So, I thought I’d do it better. Grieve for a few months and be done with it. But it hasn’t been working. Oh, I’ve gone back to work and I’m being productive. But, I was angry at the cemetery the other day because Craig wasn’t there to place the wreath on the family plot. And I’m pissed off because he helped me heal from my first marriage and then left me in pain again. And I cried before Thanksgiving because he wasn’t going to his mother’s with me and there were no vitamins to pack up for him. And he should have been in line with me at the funeral home this week when his boss died.
There’s a burning pain in my chest where my mate used to be. My head sort of knows that he’s someplace good and tending me with all his super new powers, but sometimes it’s hard to have enough faith and trust to really believe that this is a good thing for him and me.
I stand in front of participants to teach them marriage skills and I talk about Craig and our marriage. Given the eternal nature of marriage, it’s so hard to know whether he’s present tense or past, or whether our marriage is present tense or past. And sometimes I’m present tense and he’s past tense and how do I talk about “us”! And then someone says that I’d better start referring to him as my late husband or I’ll never get a date. It’s all a bit disorienting and confusing. I once said that my first-marriage divorce was harder to go through than Craig dying. But the part after – I’m beginning to think that the dying is harder.
I’m scared I’m not good enough to support myself and the business. Some days I’m not sure whether I have what it takes to be in a new relationship. I’m reacting to the fear and pushing hard to fill my hours and days, but my body is saying it’s way too much pressure. So, now it’s itching all over and driving me crazy so I have no choice but to pay attention. How do I let all my organs rest and calm down? What do I do with the empty part of me? How do I fill it with God and not work? How do I stop judging myself as incompetent with grieving? Was there a manual that said how to do this? I know, I should write it!
Damn it there are better things to do with my time than to spend it grieving. Craig’s happy, he’s in a good place, why can’t I just be happy for him? Perhaps that the essence of humility. Admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to do this well, and I’m having difficulty being selfless and just being happy for him. I just can’t do this alone. It takes God Almighty to make those difficult choices of whose spouse gets to go and be an angel, and it takes God Almighty to hold me through this pain. And it will take God Almighty to forgive me and be merciful to me for my helplessness, and to help me see how to transform the sins of my rebellion and anger and pain into acceptance and goodly deeds. [This is from a new quotation I found a few weeks ago from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá: “Thy generous Lord will…forgive thy sins and transform them into goodly deeds. Verily He is the Forgiving, the Compassionate, the Lord of immeasurable grace.” SWA #141]
The joke is that there is no manual. No one grieves the same way so they tell me, so there is no right way. There’s just my path and my choices and my utter bafflement about how to do it “right”. Which brings me back again to humility. And being merciful to myself and asking God’s mercy on me and putting myself in Hands that are kinder to me than I ever am.
Photo of Vancouver, Canada, “English Corner” Discussion on Marriage, December 12, 2010
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