Florida Family Reunion, January 31-February 13, 2010

One of the blessings of the last months has been the birth of my granddaughter Giuliana, in part because it has prompted me to be in Florida with family more than might happen otherwise. With a little persuasion, my mother (Kay Muttart) was willing to abandon snowy and cold Toronto, Ontario, and join me this time. It was a good opportunity for a 4-generation photo. Grieving for me right now is in quiet mode, so that was good timing, too.

We rented a 2-bedroom home in a Ft. Lauderdale suburb that had a lanai, outdoor patios, and a heated swimming pool in the yard. Lovely space! Mom and I determined that we both felt better eating our own food than constant restaurant meals, so I was glad to find a Whole Foods grocery and Publix grocery 5 minutes away. The weather was mostly in the 60’s and 70’s, so a little “cool”, but overall great. We tracked the blizzards happening elsewhere and felt grateful to be where we were! I especially appreciated doing my morning prayers and eating many meals outdoors.

My sister Val and husband Hans from Alberta in western Canada were wintering in their RV home in south Florida at the same time as us. We’ve been disconnected from them for many years, so it was a great reunion and chance to catch up. We got to see the photos of their family and recent trips around the US and in Africa. [See photo of Val and Hans with Mom.]

Of course, we also spent considerable time with my daughter Jennifer, her husband Frank, and the baby. Giuliana decided Nana’s visit and Great-Grandma’s introduction were a good opportunity to show off new skills. She learned to sit up and began to creep quickly to any goal she could spot. So, we promptly bought child-proofing supplies! And Nana got some fun photos. We did quite a bit of other shopping for the baby, too…shopping always happens when we three females get together…now 4 of us! We also saw Frank’s mother Christine and his sister Fanya.

One day I was invited to Giuliana’s Mommy and me gym class, which was great fun. About 15 Mom’s (and 1 Dad) with their children 5-9 months old bouncing on the trampoline, going down a slide, swinging, playing with balls, riding on a small bike, and more, all accompanied by lively music and Miss Sue on high-speed. Wild!

I spent a bit of time at the beach, which was 10 minutes from the house. It was too cool to swim, but I waded and walked on the beach. I went down one morning for sunrise, something that Craig and I did whenever we were near a beach. So, it was communion time with him, too. And, of course I took photos!

It was an enjoyable time, if not totally restful. I worked some each day and acted as chauffer, cook, and housekeeper. Jennifer and I started on a new book together, with her acting as project leader. Mom and I spent one evening talking about religion with someone I’d met down there a few months ago. All-in-all it was a busy time and great simply to be together! Hard to come back to snowy Cleveland!

Love,
Susanne

Steps Forward and Back, January 23, 2010

Flowers are from the Home and Flower Show - Yes, there is still snow in Cleveland....

January 1st was the 6-month mark since Craig’s passing. The grief seems to be more intense these weeks. My analytical brain keeps trying to figure out why. Maybe denial is simply beginning to wear off and acceptance sink in! I’ve been seeing the social worker at the Gathering Place every couple of weeks, and that helps. I also began hosting and leading a grief support group for local members of the Bahá’í Faith. We had 9 of us on January 3, our first session. It seemed to be helpful for all. It’s challenging for me to host, lead, and participate though! However, one of the friends led a visualization section, so that helped. And someone else will be helping to facilitate some future sessions.

Workwise, there has been movement forward. I’m taking two courses. One is to help me create articles that will include links back to my website for people to purchase e-books. The other is to help me create and market e-books. The Marriage Transformation website is being re-done and simplified. And e-book creation is underway. I have a new coaching client – business coaching this time rather than my other client, who is relationship coaching. I’ve also applied to work for a temporary employment service, although no assignments yet. I passed all their tests, though!

For months, I’ve emotionally struggled to put together query letters and a book proposal to approach literary agents about Empowered Healing, the book that lays out Craig’s approach to cancer along with my caregiving approach. Every time I tried to work on it, the emotions would overcome me. So, I’m delighted to report that I sent queries off to 12 agents and one has asked for a copy of the book proposal. It went off in the mail to him this week. So, your prayers for its journey will be appreciated. This was a major accomplishment.

I’ve been getting involved in more spiritual service, but the more I’m visible, the more I’m being asked to do. My body is telling me I’m back trying too hard and too fast and too much. The story of my life! That was one of Craig’s primary responsibilities as my husband – helping me stay moderate and balanced. It’s hard without him. I feel deeply tired still easily, so I’m reminding myself of the goals the Dec. 6th consultation gave me and crossing off the additional ones I was adding in.

Yesterday two friends from the support group at The Gathering Place and I spend a few hours at the Home and Garden Show. We had fun, enjoyed the spring flowers, got caught up with our grieving journeys, and managed to spend only a little money. (See photos; This is Bonnie, Susanne, and Bev)

There’s also been a day spent with visiting my friend Holly, an afternoon babysitting our grandson, friends here to visit, study circles, spirituality support group, Bahá’í meetings, doing end-of-year finances for personal and business, etc. So, I’m following through with not hibernating/retreating too much. One day this week my daughter-in-law Christina recruited me to be a model for her manicure and pedicure tests at cosmetology school. Check out the purple nails in the photo! But, now I’m noticing a need for more downtime. Always a balancing act…good thing a Florida trip is coming up soon!

Love,
Susanne

Talia Comes to Visit – December 25-30, 2009

It’s been my experience that when one consults about choices and makes decisions, then resources to carry them out begin to show up. Shortly after the December 6th consultation about my life, I heard from Talia Lindsley, who wanted to volunteer to help with the Marriage Transformation Project. She is an Ohio State college student, living only about 2.5 hours of driving from my home, although across the country from her family in Oregon. She is a music education grad student.

Even before Talia came on December 25th, her offer was beneficial. It prompted me to sort through piles on both desks, throw things away, and get organized. Once she was here, we discovered we worked well together and accomplished the following:

- set company goals for the first half of 2010
- reorganized and cleaned out the book shipping area of the basement
- planned out a new, simplified design for the website
- edited the agent query letter and book proposal for Empowered Healing
- edited a new e-book entitled Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage
- set up a company profile for Marriage Transformation on Facebook
- researched dating websites so as to be able to make recommendations to clients
- cleaned up the online shopping cart and made it more accurate
- researched potential software and setups for e-books
- set up a coaching profile on a relationship magazine website
- set up an ad on buyfrombahais.com

We also talked, walked, shoveled snow, cooked and ate together, prayed, played music, and had fun. On Saturday night, we visited my friends the Twaddells for a party. One of their sons, Daniel, is a student in the music department at OSU and in the Bahá’í Campus Association there as well, so he and Talia had previously met each other. Their son David was visiting from Israel, where he works at the Bahá’í World Centre. We enjoyed watching his slides and videos.

Talia’s family placed book orders and so did others, so I ran to the post office a couple of times. I shared a lot about Craig with her, which was a lovely activity. One unique experience was connecting via Skype with Talia’s boyfriend Rory Turnbull, who was visiting his family in Scotland. We set up a Scrabble board here, turned the web-camera on it, and we told Rory what letters we chose for him. Amazingly he won! Well, and then again, he’s a linguist. (See photo of the game)



I talked Talia’s ear off…it was so good to have company! And definitely a blessing for the business as well. I was tired enough when she left that I know we had reached the limit, but it was also sad to have the house so empty again. I had thought before she came that it would be good to have someone who was high energy, but Talia’s quiet, gentle spirit was actually perfect and helped me to sustain my energy. She even coped relatively well with working in a 67 degree house with a snowstorm outside! (See photo)



Today has been a rest day – lots of time in bed reading and relaxing before heading into year-end inventory and financials tomorrow.

Love,
Susanne

Visiting Grief, December 19, 2009

I don’t feel as if I live in the land of grief. I’m often cheerful and involved in daily living and activities. However, I visit it. Or it visits me. I’m not sure which. Often the ticket to get there is an instant pass with no advance booking. I opened a book this week while clearing off a shelf in my office, and there on a cut-out heart from one of our workshops was an appreciation in Craig’s handwriting: “Susanne scratches my back every night.” The tears were immediately present.

Sometimes I play music and stray thoughts coalesce and show up as snatches of emotional prose that I capture for a yet-to-be-fully-formed book. Here are a couple of examples:

“Why do I have to re-invent my life? Why does it have to go some new direction? Am I supposed to be alone now for the next 40 years? Look for a new partner? What if I can’t do it successfully again – layers upon layers of touch and experience? You were my prince. We created bliss and success together. Why does God want to push me for more? Could I not learn detachment some less painful way?”

“Sometimes I understand why widows always used to dress in black. The sun is blackened in some moments. Oh, I’m not generally unhappy. But sometimes so very sad and so very mad. Or do I mean angry? I dress in purple, because it is the color of the spirit and the color of our wedding band stones. But then I dress in red to be angry. Or yellow to be happy. What does it mean to be a widow when there is no longer a costume, a design, a symbol to declare that I’m in mourning. Those of us who face the death of a loved one look so ordinary to the world. The pain all has to sit on the inside and often be on the hide side. With some it’s comfortable to let the tears fall down my cheeks, but for others it sticks in the throat and lodges in pain between the ribs around my heart.”

“Sometimes I’m fiercely glad that you are integrally part of me forever. Sometimes I’m so glad that you are nearby. And then I just want to run and hide far away and hope you don’t follow so I don’t have to face how life has changed and is changing every day. Near, far, words that speak of the physical which you are no longer. It’s a mirage, a miracle, a mystery. My mind grapples trying to understand the unknowable, to find patterns in the immensely complex. WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE AM I? WHERE ARE WE? IS THERE STILL A WE? It’s the pain of that last question that spreads the blackness of doubt warring with hope and dreams. Can I ever be good enough to deserve being with you again for eternity? What does God want of me yet?”

On December 8th, the afternoon before I left for Florida, Craig’s marker stone was set at his grave at Lake View Cemetery. They tell me it takes so long, because the granite to match the others at the family plot had to come from Vermont and then be lettered in Ohio. On the 16th, Dave Farnsworth (Craig’s son) and I visited the cemetery with a Christmas wreath, a family tradition, and to see the stone. It was a very emotional visit, with stories of Craig and simply seeing yet one more piece of “evidence” that he’s physically gone. Part of my ongoing process of achieving acceptance.

That afternoon I met with the social worker at The Gathering Place, sharing and exploring where I’m at and why I feel so blocked carrying out the publication of the book on responding to cancer that Craig and I did this spring. Some of it seems to be resistance to the topic of cancer taking over my life. I stayed at TGP and participated in a panel for medical students on the subject of caregiving cancer patients. So, all in all, a very emotional day. The following day I cancelled most plans and spent a lot of time in bed.

After two days of taking it easy, on the 18th our spiritual study circle group visited Lake View cemetery together. Remember the rocks we painted in November? They got placed on Craig’s grave and on the grave of the mother of one of the participants. It was lovely, and not as wrenching as the visit there with Dave.

So, it’s been a week where grief has filled me at times and exhausted me. Interspersed have been decisions about health insurance, life insurance, job hunting, bill paying, finding a place for my mother and I to stay in Florida in February, visiting the dentist (no cavities!), yoga, massage, chiropractor, swimming, study circles, and reorganizing my office. And naps.

Love,
Susanne

Quick Florida Trip, Dec. 9-13, 2009

Before the craziness of traveling during the Christmas season, and of course while it was icy in Cleveland and 84 degrees in Florida, I flew down to see my daughter Jennifer, son-in-law Frank, and of course granddaughter Giuliana. At 5 months, she is showing definite signs of developing her unique personality and changing daily. She learned to roll over both ways while I was there.

Jennifer and I had an enjoyable time doing some shopping and doing non-Christmas home decorating projects at their house, like framing and hanging pictures. We enjoyed Friday pizza night with Frank’s mother Christine and sister Fanya. Jennifer and I dipped Giuliana into the swimming pool for the first time. Jennifer, Frank, and I watched the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD. And the four of us went out to eat at Sweet Tomatoes. So, a relaxing and fun trip. No medical emergencies or problems. Just fun. Yay! Enjoy the photos.

Love,
Susanne

Consultation About My Life, December 6, 2009

In the fall of 1997, I was recently divorced and my job of shipping chemicals had ended at BP. I held a consultation at that time about where I should live and what I should do. The group recommended staying in Cleveland and becoming a writer. My life made a dramatic turn from that time on. (BTW, coincidentally, Craig was one of the attendees, when there was nothing romantic between us.) Now faced with new major choices in my life, I decided to request another group convene at my home. I was amazed and delighted to discover that I had considerably more people qualified to participate than I had need of or space for. We ended up with eight of us (nine including Craig).

This is the guidance from the Bahá’í Writings that we followed: “The question of consultation is of the utmost importance, and is one of the most potent instruments conducive to the tranquility and felicity of the people. For example, when a believer is uncertain about his affairs, or when he seeketh to pursue a project or trade, the friends should gather together and devise a solution for him. He, in his turn, should act accordingly. Likewise in larger issues, when a problem ariseth, or a difficulty occurreth, the wise should gather, consult, and devise a solution. They should then rely upon the one true God, and surrender to His Providence, in whatever way it may be revealed, for divine confirmations will undoubtedly assist.”(‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Consultation, pp. 96-97; Fire & Gold, p. 270)

It takes me a lot of courage to lay out my finances and circumstance and invite input. The group was loving and respectful as I cried, shared the status on the Marriage Transformation Project, and explored possibilities for earning an income with them. They recommended that I not put the house up for sale yet, but re-evaluate this choice next summer. And they gave me some guidelines for the next few months, including finding part-time work and what projects made sense to tackle for the project. They also recommended some additional support for grieving. I feel blessed by their friendship and support, as well as some help in determining the new directions in my life.

Love,
Susanne

Comings and Goings, November 2009

I started out November very focused on trying to get everything done around the house and with Craig’s affairs. I had applied to serve at the Bahá’í World Centre in Israel and wondered whether I’d have to move on short notice. I was mentally in moving mode. But, they’ve decided it’s not the right time for me to come, so I’m breathing a bit in relief and backing off on pushing so hard. And, of course, still trying to figure out what I should be doing and where I should be!

I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.

My stepdaughter Michelle came to town for a couple of days and her brother Dave came over, too. I’ve got about 25 boxes of books that I’ve taken off of our 10 bookcases, trying to downsize, and they got first choice of their contents. And the bookcases are still holding a lot of books! As I sort through possessions, grief at times blindsides me – holding Craig’s glasses and combs was hard. Praying for the progress of his soul helps…

For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.

On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.

I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.

Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:

Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home

I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.

Love,
Susanne