Talia Comes to Visit – December 25-30, 2009

It’s been my experience that when one consults about choices and makes decisions, then resources to carry them out begin to show up. Shortly after the December 6th consultation about my life, I heard from Talia Lindsley, who wanted to volunteer to help with the Marriage Transformation Project. She is an Ohio State college student, living only about 2.5 hours of driving from my home, although across the country from her family in Oregon. She is a music education grad student.

Even before Talia came on December 25th, her offer was beneficial. It prompted me to sort through piles on both desks, throw things away, and get organized. Once she was here, we discovered we worked well together and accomplished the following:

- set company goals for the first half of 2010
- reorganized and cleaned out the book shipping area of the basement
- planned out a new, simplified design for the website
- edited the agent query letter and book proposal for Empowered Healing
- edited a new e-book entitled Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage
- set up a company profile for Marriage Transformation on Facebook
- researched dating websites so as to be able to make recommendations to clients
- cleaned up the online shopping cart and made it more accurate
- researched potential software and setups for e-books
- set up a coaching profile on a relationship magazine website
- set up an ad on buyfrombahais.com

We also talked, walked, shoveled snow, cooked and ate together, prayed, played music, and had fun. On Saturday night, we visited my friends the Twaddells for a party. One of their sons, Daniel, is a student in the music department at OSU and in the Bahá’í Campus Association there as well, so he and Talia had previously met each other. Their son David was visiting from Israel, where he works at the Bahá’í World Centre. We enjoyed watching his slides and videos.

Talia’s family placed book orders and so did others, so I ran to the post office a couple of times. I shared a lot about Craig with her, which was a lovely activity. One unique experience was connecting via Skype with Talia’s boyfriend Rory Turnbull, who was visiting his family in Scotland. We set up a Scrabble board here, turned the web-camera on it, and we told Rory what letters we chose for him. Amazingly he won! Well, and then again, he’s a linguist. (See photo of the game)



I talked Talia’s ear off…it was so good to have company! And definitely a blessing for the business as well. I was tired enough when she left that I know we had reached the limit, but it was also sad to have the house so empty again. I had thought before she came that it would be good to have someone who was high energy, but Talia’s quiet, gentle spirit was actually perfect and helped me to sustain my energy. She even coped relatively well with working in a 67 degree house with a snowstorm outside! (See photo)



Today has been a rest day – lots of time in bed reading and relaxing before heading into year-end inventory and financials tomorrow.

Love,
Susanne

Visiting Grief, December 19, 2009

I don’t feel as if I live in the land of grief. I’m often cheerful and involved in daily living and activities. However, I visit it. Or it visits me. I’m not sure which. Often the ticket to get there is an instant pass with no advance booking. I opened a book this week while clearing off a shelf in my office, and there on a cut-out heart from one of our workshops was an appreciation in Craig’s handwriting: “Susanne scratches my back every night.” The tears were immediately present.

Sometimes I play music and stray thoughts coalesce and show up as snatches of emotional prose that I capture for a yet-to-be-fully-formed book. Here are a couple of examples:

“Why do I have to re-invent my life? Why does it have to go some new direction? Am I supposed to be alone now for the next 40 years? Look for a new partner? What if I can’t do it successfully again – layers upon layers of touch and experience? You were my prince. We created bliss and success together. Why does God want to push me for more? Could I not learn detachment some less painful way?”

“Sometimes I understand why widows always used to dress in black. The sun is blackened in some moments. Oh, I’m not generally unhappy. But sometimes so very sad and so very mad. Or do I mean angry? I dress in purple, because it is the color of the spirit and the color of our wedding band stones. But then I dress in red to be angry. Or yellow to be happy. What does it mean to be a widow when there is no longer a costume, a design, a symbol to declare that I’m in mourning. Those of us who face the death of a loved one look so ordinary to the world. The pain all has to sit on the inside and often be on the hide side. With some it’s comfortable to let the tears fall down my cheeks, but for others it sticks in the throat and lodges in pain between the ribs around my heart.”

“Sometimes I’m fiercely glad that you are integrally part of me forever. Sometimes I’m so glad that you are nearby. And then I just want to run and hide far away and hope you don’t follow so I don’t have to face how life has changed and is changing every day. Near, far, words that speak of the physical which you are no longer. It’s a mirage, a miracle, a mystery. My mind grapples trying to understand the unknowable, to find patterns in the immensely complex. WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE AM I? WHERE ARE WE? IS THERE STILL A WE? It’s the pain of that last question that spreads the blackness of doubt warring with hope and dreams. Can I ever be good enough to deserve being with you again for eternity? What does God want of me yet?”

On December 8th, the afternoon before I left for Florida, Craig’s marker stone was set at his grave at Lake View Cemetery. They tell me it takes so long, because the granite to match the others at the family plot had to come from Vermont and then be lettered in Ohio. On the 16th, Dave Farnsworth (Craig’s son) and I visited the cemetery with a Christmas wreath, a family tradition, and to see the stone. It was a very emotional visit, with stories of Craig and simply seeing yet one more piece of “evidence” that he’s physically gone. Part of my ongoing process of achieving acceptance.

That afternoon I met with the social worker at The Gathering Place, sharing and exploring where I’m at and why I feel so blocked carrying out the publication of the book on responding to cancer that Craig and I did this spring. Some of it seems to be resistance to the topic of cancer taking over my life. I stayed at TGP and participated in a panel for medical students on the subject of caregiving cancer patients. So, all in all, a very emotional day. The following day I cancelled most plans and spent a lot of time in bed.

After two days of taking it easy, on the 18th our spiritual study circle group visited Lake View cemetery together. Remember the rocks we painted in November? They got placed on Craig’s grave and on the grave of the mother of one of the participants. It was lovely, and not as wrenching as the visit there with Dave.

So, it’s been a week where grief has filled me at times and exhausted me. Interspersed have been decisions about health insurance, life insurance, job hunting, bill paying, finding a place for my mother and I to stay in Florida in February, visiting the dentist (no cavities!), yoga, massage, chiropractor, swimming, study circles, and reorganizing my office. And naps.

Love,
Susanne

Quick Florida Trip, Dec. 9-13, 2009

Before the craziness of traveling during the Christmas season, and of course while it was icy in Cleveland and 84 degrees in Florida, I flew down to see my daughter Jennifer, son-in-law Frank, and of course granddaughter Giuliana. At 5 months, she is showing definite signs of developing her unique personality and changing daily. She learned to roll over both ways while I was there.

Jennifer and I had an enjoyable time doing some shopping and doing non-Christmas home decorating projects at their house, like framing and hanging pictures. We enjoyed Friday pizza night with Frank’s mother Christine and sister Fanya. Jennifer and I dipped Giuliana into the swimming pool for the first time. Jennifer, Frank, and I watched the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD. And the four of us went out to eat at Sweet Tomatoes. So, a relaxing and fun trip. No medical emergencies or problems. Just fun. Yay! Enjoy the photos.

Love,
Susanne

Consultation About My Life, December 6, 2009

In the fall of 1997, I was recently divorced and my job of shipping chemicals had ended at BP. I held a consultation at that time about where I should live and what I should do. The group recommended staying in Cleveland and becoming a writer. My life made a dramatic turn from that time on. (BTW, coincidentally, Craig was one of the attendees, when there was nothing romantic between us.) Now faced with new major choices in my life, I decided to request another group convene at my home. I was amazed and delighted to discover that I had considerably more people qualified to participate than I had need of or space for. We ended up with eight of us (nine including Craig).

This is the guidance from the Bahá’í Writings that we followed: “The question of consultation is of the utmost importance, and is one of the most potent instruments conducive to the tranquility and felicity of the people. For example, when a believer is uncertain about his affairs, or when he seeketh to pursue a project or trade, the friends should gather together and devise a solution for him. He, in his turn, should act accordingly. Likewise in larger issues, when a problem ariseth, or a difficulty occurreth, the wise should gather, consult, and devise a solution. They should then rely upon the one true God, and surrender to His Providence, in whatever way it may be revealed, for divine confirmations will undoubtedly assist.”(‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Consultation, pp. 96-97; Fire & Gold, p. 270)

It takes me a lot of courage to lay out my finances and circumstance and invite input. The group was loving and respectful as I cried, shared the status on the Marriage Transformation Project, and explored possibilities for earning an income with them. They recommended that I not put the house up for sale yet, but re-evaluate this choice next summer. And they gave me some guidelines for the next few months, including finding part-time work and what projects made sense to tackle for the project. They also recommended some additional support for grieving. I feel blessed by their friendship and support, as well as some help in determining the new directions in my life.

Love,
Susanne

Comings and Goings, November 2009

I started out November very focused on trying to get everything done around the house and with Craig’s affairs. I had applied to serve at the Bahá’í World Centre in Israel and wondered whether I’d have to move on short notice. I was mentally in moving mode. But, they’ve decided it’s not the right time for me to come, so I’m breathing a bit in relief and backing off on pushing so hard. And, of course, still trying to figure out what I should be doing and where I should be!

I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.

My stepdaughter Michelle came to town for a couple of days and her brother Dave came over, too. I’ve got about 25 boxes of books that I’ve taken off of our 10 bookcases, trying to downsize, and they got first choice of their contents. And the bookcases are still holding a lot of books! As I sort through possessions, grief at times blindsides me – holding Craig’s glasses and combs was hard. Praying for the progress of his soul helps…

For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.

On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.

I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.

Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:

Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home

I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.

Love,
Susanne

A Little Too Busy, October 31, 2009

Well, I haven’t written in a couple of weeks, which probably tells those of you who know me well that I overloaded the to-do list! I’m in slower mode today, resting up a bit, and listening to a great set of tapes on relationship intimacy.

I’ve been tackling the piles of file boxes that Craig and I have accumulated over the last 10 years, as well as those from freelance writing the two years before we married. Thankfully, a young, strong friend (John-Mark Wortham) came over and hauled them out of storage for me. I’ve now filled up over a dozen trash bags and shredded piles of documents, and he hauled them to the curb for me. And, there are more boxes to go!

On the 17th, a crew of friends came and dismantled Craig’s wheelchair ramp and took it to a non-profit for re-constructing into a ramp for someone else. The re-use is something that would make Craig happy. Nik Tressler, his son Eric, John Cunningham, and George Eaton put in a few hours on the job. A blessing, but also an emotional moment to see one more thing connected to Craig gone. I’ve now planted grass where it used to stand. And trimmed all the trees and bushes that John didn’t do that day.

I’ve attended bereavement meetings twice, once at Hospice and once at The Gathering Place. I’m glad to have the support of others in this process, but still uncertain just how helpful these groups are to me. I’m having times of sadness, of course, but some people still seem so stuck in grief after years have gone by, and I just don’t want to be in that space. My mother was in town for 5 days from Toronto, and that was helpful. She and I watched the DVD of Craig’s funeral and graveside services together, her for the first time (she wasn’t able to be at the funeral). I shed a few tears, but it was also helpful to re-visit the experience (and interesting to see all that was happening behind me, as I was in the front row!). Mom and I did quite a bit of shopping while she was here, too! And she attend our spiritual study circle, which resumed for the first time since I returned from Florida. A lovely evening…

Many house repairs are underway. Craig’s sister Nancy and brother-in-law Bob were here on the 25th. Bob replaced one of my bedroom windows and started replacing the storm door in front. Neighbor Frank Rodgers continued the process by finishing the door and installing a new porch light and mailbox. There is still quite a bit of painting to do after I get the house de-cluttered. All of this is intended to ready the house to go up for sale in February – at least that’s the current plan! And no, I don’t know where I’m going yet, although making suggestions to God and Craig and taking steps!

I’ve spent hours doing the completion process on Craig’s life, taking him off of bank accounts and credit cards, canceling his membership in a dozen different things, taking him off of mailing lists, and transferring his frequent flyer miles to my cards. It’s amazing what all he was involved in! I’ve sold his grill to a friend of his, so I spent time cleaning that up from two years of sitting idle.

Work is slowly resuming. I’m book writing and began coaching a new relationship client this week. I’ve committed to speak at a marriage conference in Vancouver in November while there visiting my Dad and stepmother. I’ve put all the books on inventory clearance sale, and got a newsletter out yesterday to our subscribers for the first time since January, thanks to assistant Joyce Ashman. Yesterday I met for the second time with financial planners, who ran through with me how to support myself from now to age 93! It was a bit overwhelming, but good to see how to work out supporting myself that long. I just have to work making approx. $30,000/year from age 55 to age 76 to make the plan work (or live in a cave). Yikes! Part of the challenge for me is figuring out how the marriage project now fits in my life as a widow, particularly since it has never run at a profit, and most of its funding supports have ended. And yet, the need for relationship and marriage education in the world has by no means stopped! So, praying, seeking guidance, and we’ll see what happens.

I’ve been doing yoga, swimming, and walking (forcing myself too much!). The photos of the fall colors are from my walks near our home.

Love,
Susanne

Sorting Through Things, October 14, 2009

I’m targeting putting our home on the market in February. That, plus a general need to downsize and organize, has me beginning the process of sorting through and identifying things to go elsewhere. Some things will go to family or friends, some sold, some given or thrown away. But the process, of course, triggers emotions.

I visited my mother-in-law in Pennsylvania this week. It was our first seeing one another since Craig’s funeral. She is also sorting through her home and getting ready to move into an independent living facility. So, we are both somewhat living in the befuddlement of “What do I do with this stuff?!”

My philosophy is that when befuddled, write poetry, so here it is:

Stay or Now Go?

I rock in your chair, and lay in our bed
I sleep with your shirt on, your jacket nearby
I wander the rooms, touching the dreams
Of a beautiful life we once led

I hold in my hands the things you once touched
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the intimate wear
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the books you once read
And ask do they stay or now go?

Some things are easy, a moment of thought
Some things are hard, and wake me at night
Some things are…just things
Some have layers of memory
Some mean more to others, and less to me
Are these things you? Are they me?
Perhaps yes and yet no
And I ask do they stay or now go?

When you live in my heart in permanent estate
Do the things even matter? Do they stay or now go?
Does some of you linger on all of these things
How much do I hold, do I care?
Some day they’ll be dust, irrelevant, gone
It’s your life that must matter, not things

And yet, there is comfort, though bittersweet tears
When I touch what you touched, and wear what you wore
They do bring you close, help me feel you nearby
So, I’ll choose at least some of the things to now keep

~ Susanne Mariella Alexander, October 14, 2009

This, too, shall pass…

Love,
Susanne