Transitions, November 4, 2010

I’m feeling moved to write tonight, to sort through the mix of emotions that have coursed through me lately.

A few years ago, Craig and I joined a Toastmasters group to improve our public speaking skills and to meet new people. We actively participated and in fact were chosen as group officers right before his diagnosis. That fall, I was so tired and stressed that I resisted going, but Craig was insistent that we go back after his recovery from surgery. And, he was so right. It helped very much to be in a supportive group, laugh with others, and to complete our achievement of becoming Competent Communicators.


Last week I did a 10-minute radio interview, which you can listen to at this link: http://healthpodcast.podbean.com/2010/10/30/happy-marriages-dont-happen-by-accident/  In listening to the recording, I heard an “ah” and “um” or two (something Toastmasters trains you to not do!). And, I’m giving a 45-minute keynote talk at a marriage conference in Vancouver on December 4th and a marriage workshop there the following weekend. So, it seemed like a good time to go back to Toastmasters for a brush up on my presentation skills. I deliberately went to a different group tonight though, one closer to home at the Euclid Library. I participated, even evaluating someone’s speech since the group was shorthanded. At the end, I made a commitment and signed up as a member. And then I cried all the way home. I heard Craig say he was glad I went back…and it just seemed so wrong to not have him there in person.


Another landmark – I went on a date last night. I’m now on match.com and eharmony.com, learning all about the joys and challenges of meeting people on line. And I’m definitely learning--what to do for safety, how to block my phone number, how to interact on email, phone, and in person and how different each method is. It was fun, and nerve-wracking, to be out with someone – we just met at a coffee house in Euclid. And, when he got physically close at the end of the night I was clear I wasn’t quite as ready as I thought I was to deal with it. We agreed not to meet again for a variety of reasons…but I’m glad that I did it. Craig said he’d help with finding me a new husband, but in the absence of a name, address, and phone number, here I go online. And I already have a notepad of lessons learned…


I notice that I’m struggling at times with feeling like I don’t quite fit. I’m doing all the things that are in front of me to do with work, Bahá’í community service, my finances, the dating services, etc. but I feel like I haven’t quite found my place in the world and still feel like I’m in the middle of a major transition. Which I suppose I am! It’s like I’m present and participating, but part of me is absent or not quite fully involved. It’s hard to describe. I am clear though that participating in each day is an act of courage and faith and doing my best with both.


Love,
Susanne