Continuing the Second Anniversary Story

All the people who told me I would love painting and it would be easy never did a first project that had 12 walls, 2 doorways, a closet, a window, and a window bench! I’m really glad to have the room transformed…and I was utterly exhausted, sore all over, and completely resistant to putting two coats on the walls. It took me 3 days to get it all taped, painted with one coat, and untapped, and that’s the way it’s going to stay! The room is all transformed, and I’m happy. And I may never paint again… The quilted piece in the window was made by my sister Val.

On July 5, friends Nik Tressler and Morgan Rodehurst came over and moved furniture into the prayer room. Then they looked at the family room furniture and moved it all around. Then they moved all the living room furniture around. Then we tried out the furniture in all three, ending up with prayers in the re-done prayer room! Such an amazing blessing to have the main floor of the house all transformed and with such generous accompaniment! On July 6, I then headed out to Albuquerque (which I can now spell!), New Mexico, leaving various pictures off the walls and messes to clean up later.

I had mixed feelings about going off to a marriage conference alone. The first evening I was asked whether my husband was with me, and it brought a few tears. However, overall, the conference was also transitional. I had discussions with colleagues about how to take lessons learned from these last four years and use them to help others, something I think I’m about ready to do. I did a well-received workshop on Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage for 8 couples. I told them about Craig at the beginning, and played music from him about marriage at the end. It felt spiritually transformative for the participants and helpful for me too. I also had a booth in the exhibit area.

I led two workshops after the conference for the Albuquerque Baha’i Faith community. We had over 40 people in the married couples session and about a dozen in the singles session. Lovely to spend two nights with one of the couples. Then I came home and hung pictures and got the house ready for guests.

This weekend, a young engaged couple visited, Talia Lindsley (from Oregon and Columbus, Ohio) and Rory Turnbull (from Scotland and Columbus, Ohio). Talia has volunteered here for Marriage Transformation a couple of times. So, she was the first guest to try out the renewed guest room space, which was lovely. They also helped me with transforming my bedroom space. Yesterday they and another couple helped field test some new marriage material, with the other couple having a very wonderful and spiritual session in the prayer room (where we figure Craig was likely doing some influencing!). Then we had a devotional in the afternoon that included Talia singing.

Workshops are beginning to feel very comfortable, even though I still wish Craig were physically there with me. He was always my time keeper, and I’m even getting better at doing that. People are responding positively, so being a widow doesn’t seem to be an issue. So, I’ll continue to be on the road… When we had guests, Craig always helped with serving people. I’m also getting better at remembering to offer drinks!


I’m declaring the second anniversary of Craig’s passing now complete.

Second Anniversary of Craig’s Passing

If grief were a linear process, this would feel easier than a year ago. However, there have been many grief triggers this spring, and grief has lain heavy on my chest in recent days.

The question arose this spring about whether it would be wise to get a business partner. Oh, you mean replace Craig?! Grief. Do married couple workshops without Craig? Grief. Go to a marriage conference without Craig? Grief. I miss his smile, his listening, his gentle and loving spirit, his touch, tea and prayers in the morning, holding at night, consultations on every topic, music, encouragement, celebrations, him doing the dishes…. Grief. And…joy in the memories and knowing that he is still close when I need him spiritually.

Craig passed at 9 a.m. July 1, 2009. During the night before, I had the midnight to 4 a.m. shift. I played music, prayed, massaged him, and held his hand. Last night at 2:30 a.m. he nudged me awake to come down to the prayer room, which had been his bedroom the last months of his life. We communed until almost 4 a.m., praying and sharing.

At 9 a.m. this morning, I prayed for his soul. I spoke with my mother-in-law. Later in the morning, Ruth Twaddell met me at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day. We talked and prayed together at Craig’s grave, and then had lunch at a Thai restaurant in Coventry. I went from there to meet with my social worker at The Gathering Place. Eileen helped me process and understand how I’m doing emotionally. I appreciated the accompaniment from her and Ruth today. And the many supportive messages on Facebook.

This evening I’ve begun on a major transitional project. Everything is now out of the prayer room, and I’m going to paint it cornmeal yellow. I’ve never painted a room before, so that makes it twice as big of a project! For the last two years, the walls have been full of the pictures and cards that Craig wanted to see from his bed. To that I added a small display of his glasses, our I love my wife and I love my husband buttons, his prayer book, pinecones from the Holy Land and the cemetery, the first magnet I gave him, and more (See photo). Most of this is not going back in the room. I also plan to make it back into its original combination prayer room and guest room…provided I can find a couple of strong backs to move the foldout couch back in there! I don’t want the room to become a permanent shrine to Craig…and it’s been comforting to have it the way it was.

I can make a long gratitude list…life is overall good. It just still seems strange to not have Craig physically in it. I wonder whether that will ever change?! I’m also so curious about his life in the next world. I wish I could be a journalist and interview him about it!


With love,
Susanne

From Winter to Spring, March 11, 2011

December and January felt so challenging. The stress reaction in my body from overworking and attempting the first steps of dating lingered on into early February. However, it was bad enough of an experience to give birth to the commitment to find some balance and keep it long-term. I tried many, many “remedies” to calm things down and get the all-over itching to go away. Months of not sleeping through the night is now helping me savor doing it. I’m beginning to regain at least a couple of the 10 pounds lost.

I tried applying regular medicine; taking Chinese medicine; reading fewer romance novels; starting reading comedy non-fiction books; practicing laughing; exercising more; chocolate; journaling; praying; making diet changes; socializing more; receiving Reiki, Jin Shin Jytusu, and massage; learning meditation; signing off match.com and eharmony.com; receiving a visit from close friends; visiting my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter in Fort Lauderdale (see photos)…. See, I’m even an over-achiever at trying to de-stress! Sigh….

All of these efforts have had some interesting outcomes. I’ve written five new books for my granddaughter Giuliana. My other granddaughter Karida is now my penpal. As I’m laughing more and socializing more, it’s helping others to do the same (see photo of me at a recent party). I’ve developed lovely friendships with two gentlemen, one local and one in another state. Neither particularly shows signs of romance; we have just relaxed and enjoyed the friendship-building process. I’ve also begun doing a regular meditation practice. I found a group through www.meetup.com and visited. It turned out that the mentor they assigned to me was one of Craig’s former coworkers, and we already knew one another. I’m noticing that doing the meditation on “divine light of the heart” lessens my anxieties during the day. And I’m meeting lovely new people…

Of course, now that I’m feeling better, my tendency to over-do is back dogging me! But I’ve got to “catch up”! Same old, same old…never-ending to-do list. A colleague recommended that I try hiring interns to work with me, so I’m advertising for interns, as well as volunteers, and we’ll see where that goes. I’m supposed to be interviewing the first two over the next few days.


My 55th birthday is coming up on Sunday. I can’t seem to quite shake the memory connection between it and Craig, so I’m experiencing some sadness right now. And, also making some plans for the day so I’m not alone on it this year. Friends have invited me to breakfast and dinner. I received a lovely letter yesterday from the Bahá’í National Assembly in response to a recent report I sent to them about the Marriage Transformation Project. They acknowledged the project’s work, saying “the National Assembly is grateful for and highly esteems your dedication to the preservation and strengthening of the divine institution of marriage.” They also said, “Also kindly accept, again, our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband, and the assurance of our supplications for the continued progress of Craig’s noble soul throughout the divine realms.” I then spent an hour crying in response.


My flowers were up an inch until we got dumped with a foot of snow in the last 24 hours. I’m looking forward to daffodil season. I’m not physically doing the Bahá’í Fast, but I’m appreciating the time of increased spiritual reflection and prayer and aligning my mind, heart, soul, and body up with the coming year and a new plan for Bahá’í community activity from the Universal House of Justice.


I often feel Craig close during prayers, and give him assignments/requests (!) from time to time, like guiding the process of finding interns and helpers. Someone recently showed up to partner with me on doing my first Teleseminar. I appreciate having the invisible helpers surrounding me, along with the friendships and family here that sustain me.


So, that’s a brief update. I’m mostly living life going forward, but with some looking backwards as grief hits.

Love,
Susanne