Summer and Autumn in Chattanooga, Tennessee

I arrived here in mid-May, renting a home next to the Chattanooga Bahá’í Faith Center. The weeks ahead of the transition were filled with sorting through and emotionally processing documents and memories of my life generally and of my life with Craig. I hadn’t moved in 12 years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere. I also did small and large workshops on Empowered Healing for cancer patients, caregivers, and medical staff in Cleveland and Steamboat Springs, Colorado. They were good…and I’m not sure whether to keep doing them, as they tie me back to Craig’s illness.

The house in Euclid stayed on the market all summer with little interest from prospective buyers, but I was able to sell it at the end of September. I did one last trip to the Cleveland area and said goodbyes to friends and our home. My last stop at the house was to give Craig’s framed paintings and poetry to Barbara Trauger-Querry as a gift for Hospice of the Western Reserve. She and I sat and prayed hand-in-hand in the prayer room, which was also where Craig passed. A fitting ending.

Since returning from Cleveland, one of the tasks I accomplished was finishing up Craig’s “The Journey” books, the story of his life and transformation told through poetry, paintings, and journal entries. I’ve now made them available to people through these web pages:
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store.htm (very bottom of the page)
http://www.bahaimarriage.net/aboutus.htm

I have (of course) thrown myself into all types of service to the Bahá’í community here in Chattanooga. It has felt blessed and wonderful to feel the energy around serving and teaching others about the Faith come back. I’m hosting and co-tutoring a Ruhi Book 1 Reflections on the Life of the Spirit study circle. I’m also hosting a devotional most Friday mornings. With living next to the Center, I’m often meeting with people and students who are looking for information. I’m also coordinating the Sunday morning devotions. So, staying busy!

I’ve become active in Toastmasters here and building relationships. I stopped job hunting and instead have been working to expand the Marriage Transformation business with the help of a personal and business coach. I re-connected with Johanna Wu, co-author of Marriage Can Be Forever—Preparation Counts, and we presented workshops for youth and young adults at the Tennessee Bahá’í School. I’ve been doing more coaching with individuals and couples globally via Skype, so getting more practice figuring out time zones with Australia, the UK, Africa, and the Middle East. I’m working with a local author/marriage educator helping him get a book in print with me as a contributing author. It will be the first time I’ve published someone else’s book. It’s all rewarding and frustrating and growing and changing. However, I definitely have moments of fussing at Craig for not being here to help with the details and spreadsheets!

A few weeks ago, John and I decided that marriage was not a wise choice for us. However, we kept on dating and talking daily for a few weeks. This past week we decided it was best to uncouple. So, still friends, with no nastiness, but not together. I’ve been sad, and it has all triggered quite a bit of grief and loss again, so a difficult stretch of time.

It is rare anymore for me to “feel” Craig’s presence. I got sad around the beginning of July – the third anniversary of his passing, but it didn’t last more than a few days. An exception with sensing Craig’s presence was a devotional/memorial gathering last week hosted by a widow at about the same stage as me – 3.5 years. It was a very emotional evening, but also very spiritual and supportive. I recently visited my daughter Jennifer and family in Fort Lauderdale, in part to meet my new granddaughter Theanna. I did call on Craig to help calm down all the crying of two young children!

All the changes and emotional challenges of the year have definitely had an effect on my health. Hormonal imbalances and weight loss. There are signs of it all calming down, and I hope this current transition with John doesn’t set me back.

I remember reading and hearing that the grief process can stay fairly active for 4 years after a husband passes. I thought that was a bit crazy – and here I am!

Much love to all,
Susanne
p.s. This area is wonderful for nature photography, which I post on Facebook from time to time. Nurtures my soul!  But here are a couple of lake sunrise shots for you with a heron, something that always reminds me of Craig.

The Dance of a New Relationship – January 26, 2012

A few weeks after Craig’s second anniversary, I began a relationship with John Massey, a Baha’i in Tennessee who I had talked to on the phone for a few months after we met online. We met in Tennessee in August when I went there on business. He came up to Cleveland for a long weekend in September. I came down to Chattanooga in October, November, and December. Then we decided long distance was too difficult for getting to know one another, so I’m now down in Chattanooga for approximately 3 months in an apartment that the local Baha'is helped furnish and equip for me. We are getting lots of comments and questions about why we aren’t living together!

This is yet one more thing that I didn’t expect to be quite so difficult. Laughing, spending time together out in nature, leading devotional meetings together, sharing meals, hugs, are all good and lovely things. What is challenging is the emotional letting go of Craig. Accepting all of what happened with him and that the outcome was not what he and I planned for our marriage still seems to be a bit stuck.

Sometimes I feel free to move forward, and sometimes I just feel a bit homeless and pulled between past and present. My body still frequently goes into emergency response mode, something that began with Craig’s diagnosis. I have to keep repeating to myself “This is not an emergency!”. I grappled this week with whether I needed to forgive Craig for abandoning me. Is that part of the acceptance process?!  How does one do these sorts of things – make a grand pronouncement:  “I FORGIVE YOU! I ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE ‘GONE’! I’M GOING FORWARD!” Ha, it doesn’t work that way!

John and I began to speak of marriage before I came down here to live. However, my body and my emotions didn’t deal with it very well. How does one have a marriage for all eternity with someone and not feel disloyal going forward with another person?! I haven’t figured that one out. I spent weeks trying to spiritually shut Craig out, sort of, and that felt wrong too. And how do I do a relationship and tell the Relationship Coach to take a rest?! And, we have just needed to take a slow-pace approach. John reminds me that there is no deadline to meet and just to relax. (I know, I can hear you all who know me well chuckling at that one!) I’m trying. He just keeps saying that he simply wants me (and him) to be happy. Sometimes I am; sometimes I’m just too tired.

I’m doing marriage work most days – getting books ready for printing, writing a new book about relationships, creating workshop handouts, taking lots of photographs, and still trying to figure out what to do with Marriage Transformation. I’ve got a marriage workshop at Green Acre Baha’i School in February, one at the Philadelphia Baha’i Center in April, and a cancer-related one in Colorado in May. However, the business is still not even close to supporting me, and Craig’s life insurance is winding down. There are loyalty issues here too – if I put the company/project on a back burner to simmer lightly, what does that say about the commitment Craig and I made by setting the company up? And, how do I get my 11-page Curriculum Vitae down to a 1-page resume! Yikes!

This past weekend when my apartment here wanted a 60-day notice to vacate, John and I began to grapple with whether I should move to milder-climate Tennessee, whatever happens with him and me; where to live down here; what to do about work and income; whether to sell the house in Euclid; can I be of effective service to the Baha’i community here; and more. The whole discussion triggered a major bout of grief. When I want to de-stress and simplify, major life choices kick me in the stomach. So, sleeping is random, and I’m wondering how to figure out the Will of God.

Chattanooga so far is a happy place. Time with John (and his dog Ziggy), service at the Baha’i Center, study circle (with more dogs!), meeting new people, great mountains/rivers/parks, sunshine, no snow, excellent pool at the YMCA (Laurie Cunningham stayed with me one weekend while down here for a meeting, too!). I’m feeling less and less connection and attachment to Ohio. And, God, where should I be?! Actually I’m getting better at “What feels right to me?” and less of the “shoulds”. But this one isn’t quite clear just yet.

I will appreciate your prayers as I continue to go through all these transitions that I think should happen so much faster than they are! There’s another one of those “shoulds”!  I’m gaining more and more knowledge about all of life being an organic process, and one that is nowhere near as linear as I thought. What a surprise to find out that life doesn’t always organize like a spreadsheet or worksheet or checklist! With that freedom, this week my laptop ended up on a picnic table at a lake one day, I played hooky from Toastmasters tonight, I’m taking artistic photographs for fun, and I have a library card down here now too. 

Enjoy the photos! (You can see more on Facebook...)

Love,
Susanne

Continuing the Second Anniversary Story

All the people who told me I would love painting and it would be easy never did a first project that had 12 walls, 2 doorways, a closet, a window, and a window bench! I’m really glad to have the room transformed…and I was utterly exhausted, sore all over, and completely resistant to putting two coats on the walls. It took me 3 days to get it all taped, painted with one coat, and untapped, and that’s the way it’s going to stay! The room is all transformed, and I’m happy. And I may never paint again… The quilted piece in the window was made by my sister Val.

On July 5, friends Nik Tressler and Morgan Rodehurst came over and moved furniture into the prayer room. Then they looked at the family room furniture and moved it all around. Then they moved all the living room furniture around. Then we tried out the furniture in all three, ending up with prayers in the re-done prayer room! Such an amazing blessing to have the main floor of the house all transformed and with such generous accompaniment! On July 6, I then headed out to Albuquerque (which I can now spell!), New Mexico, leaving various pictures off the walls and messes to clean up later.

I had mixed feelings about going off to a marriage conference alone. The first evening I was asked whether my husband was with me, and it brought a few tears. However, overall, the conference was also transitional. I had discussions with colleagues about how to take lessons learned from these last four years and use them to help others, something I think I’m about ready to do. I did a well-received workshop on Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage for 8 couples. I told them about Craig at the beginning, and played music from him about marriage at the end. It felt spiritually transformative for the participants and helpful for me too. I also had a booth in the exhibit area.

I led two workshops after the conference for the Albuquerque Baha’i Faith community. We had over 40 people in the married couples session and about a dozen in the singles session. Lovely to spend two nights with one of the couples. Then I came home and hung pictures and got the house ready for guests.

This weekend, a young engaged couple visited, Talia Lindsley (from Oregon and Columbus, Ohio) and Rory Turnbull (from Scotland and Columbus, Ohio). Talia has volunteered here for Marriage Transformation a couple of times. So, she was the first guest to try out the renewed guest room space, which was lovely. They also helped me with transforming my bedroom space. Yesterday they and another couple helped field test some new marriage material, with the other couple having a very wonderful and spiritual session in the prayer room (where we figure Craig was likely doing some influencing!). Then we had a devotional in the afternoon that included Talia singing.

Workshops are beginning to feel very comfortable, even though I still wish Craig were physically there with me. He was always my time keeper, and I’m even getting better at doing that. People are responding positively, so being a widow doesn’t seem to be an issue. So, I’ll continue to be on the road… When we had guests, Craig always helped with serving people. I’m also getting better at remembering to offer drinks!


I’m declaring the second anniversary of Craig’s passing now complete.

Second Anniversary of Craig’s Passing

If grief were a linear process, this would feel easier than a year ago. However, there have been many grief triggers this spring, and grief has lain heavy on my chest in recent days.

The question arose this spring about whether it would be wise to get a business partner. Oh, you mean replace Craig?! Grief. Do married couple workshops without Craig? Grief. Go to a marriage conference without Craig? Grief. I miss his smile, his listening, his gentle and loving spirit, his touch, tea and prayers in the morning, holding at night, consultations on every topic, music, encouragement, celebrations, him doing the dishes…. Grief. And…joy in the memories and knowing that he is still close when I need him spiritually.

Craig passed at 9 a.m. July 1, 2009. During the night before, I had the midnight to 4 a.m. shift. I played music, prayed, massaged him, and held his hand. Last night at 2:30 a.m. he nudged me awake to come down to the prayer room, which had been his bedroom the last months of his life. We communed until almost 4 a.m., praying and sharing.

At 9 a.m. this morning, I prayed for his soul. I spoke with my mother-in-law. Later in the morning, Ruth Twaddell met me at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day. We talked and prayed together at Craig’s grave, and then had lunch at a Thai restaurant in Coventry. I went from there to meet with my social worker at The Gathering Place. Eileen helped me process and understand how I’m doing emotionally. I appreciated the accompaniment from her and Ruth today. And the many supportive messages on Facebook.

This evening I’ve begun on a major transitional project. Everything is now out of the prayer room, and I’m going to paint it cornmeal yellow. I’ve never painted a room before, so that makes it twice as big of a project! For the last two years, the walls have been full of the pictures and cards that Craig wanted to see from his bed. To that I added a small display of his glasses, our I love my wife and I love my husband buttons, his prayer book, pinecones from the Holy Land and the cemetery, the first magnet I gave him, and more (See photo). Most of this is not going back in the room. I also plan to make it back into its original combination prayer room and guest room…provided I can find a couple of strong backs to move the foldout couch back in there! I don’t want the room to become a permanent shrine to Craig…and it’s been comforting to have it the way it was.

I can make a long gratitude list…life is overall good. It just still seems strange to not have Craig physically in it. I wonder whether that will ever change?! I’m also so curious about his life in the next world. I wish I could be a journalist and interview him about it!


With love,
Susanne

From Winter to Spring, March 11, 2011

December and January felt so challenging. The stress reaction in my body from overworking and attempting the first steps of dating lingered on into early February. However, it was bad enough of an experience to give birth to the commitment to find some balance and keep it long-term. I tried many, many “remedies” to calm things down and get the all-over itching to go away. Months of not sleeping through the night is now helping me savor doing it. I’m beginning to regain at least a couple of the 10 pounds lost.

I tried applying regular medicine; taking Chinese medicine; reading fewer romance novels; starting reading comedy non-fiction books; practicing laughing; exercising more; chocolate; journaling; praying; making diet changes; socializing more; receiving Reiki, Jin Shin Jytusu, and massage; learning meditation; signing off match.com and eharmony.com; receiving a visit from close friends; visiting my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter in Fort Lauderdale (see photos)…. See, I’m even an over-achiever at trying to de-stress! Sigh….

All of these efforts have had some interesting outcomes. I’ve written five new books for my granddaughter Giuliana. My other granddaughter Karida is now my penpal. As I’m laughing more and socializing more, it’s helping others to do the same (see photo of me at a recent party). I’ve developed lovely friendships with two gentlemen, one local and one in another state. Neither particularly shows signs of romance; we have just relaxed and enjoyed the friendship-building process. I’ve also begun doing a regular meditation practice. I found a group through www.meetup.com and visited. It turned out that the mentor they assigned to me was one of Craig’s former coworkers, and we already knew one another. I’m noticing that doing the meditation on “divine light of the heart” lessens my anxieties during the day. And I’m meeting lovely new people…

Of course, now that I’m feeling better, my tendency to over-do is back dogging me! But I’ve got to “catch up”! Same old, same old…never-ending to-do list. A colleague recommended that I try hiring interns to work with me, so I’m advertising for interns, as well as volunteers, and we’ll see where that goes. I’m supposed to be interviewing the first two over the next few days.


My 55th birthday is coming up on Sunday. I can’t seem to quite shake the memory connection between it and Craig, so I’m experiencing some sadness right now. And, also making some plans for the day so I’m not alone on it this year. Friends have invited me to breakfast and dinner. I received a lovely letter yesterday from the Bahá’í National Assembly in response to a recent report I sent to them about the Marriage Transformation Project. They acknowledged the project’s work, saying “the National Assembly is grateful for and highly esteems your dedication to the preservation and strengthening of the divine institution of marriage.” They also said, “Also kindly accept, again, our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband, and the assurance of our supplications for the continued progress of Craig’s noble soul throughout the divine realms.” I then spent an hour crying in response.


My flowers were up an inch until we got dumped with a foot of snow in the last 24 hours. I’m looking forward to daffodil season. I’m not physically doing the Bahá’í Fast, but I’m appreciating the time of increased spiritual reflection and prayer and aligning my mind, heart, soul, and body up with the coming year and a new plan for Bahá’í community activity from the Universal House of Justice.


I often feel Craig close during prayers, and give him assignments/requests (!) from time to time, like guiding the process of finding interns and helpers. Someone recently showed up to partner with me on doing my first Teleseminar. I appreciate having the invisible helpers surrounding me, along with the friendships and family here that sustain me.


So, that’s a brief update. I’m mostly living life going forward, but with some looking backwards as grief hits.

Love,
Susanne

The Essential Humility of Grief – December 25, 2010

In 2006 I asked God to teach me about humility, and of course there have then been lessons ever since. I’m a life-long know-it-all. I’m good at being right. I’m good at judging others…and myself…and knowing that we could be better, do it better, be closer to perfect. When I’ve been around people who were still grieving years after a loved one died, I thought there was something wrong with them. I showed sympathy and caring…and meant them, sort of. But still, I thought they must be doing something wrong to still be crying.


So, I thought I’d do it better. Grieve for a few months and be done with it. But it hasn’t been working. Oh, I’ve gone back to work and I’m being productive. But, I was angry at the cemetery the other day because Craig wasn’t there to place the wreath on the family plot. And I’m pissed off because he helped me heal from my first marriage and then left me in pain again. And I cried before Thanksgiving because he wasn’t going to his mother’s with me and there were no vitamins to pack up for him. And he should have been in line with me at the funeral home this week when his boss died.


There’s a burning pain in my chest where my mate used to be. My head sort of knows that he’s someplace good and tending me with all his super new powers, but sometimes it’s hard to have enough faith and trust to really believe that this is a good thing for him and me.


I stand in front of participants to teach them marriage skills and I talk about Craig and our marriage. Given the eternal nature of marriage, it’s so hard to know whether he’s present tense or past, or whether our marriage is present tense or past. And sometimes I’m present tense and he’s past tense and how do I talk about “us”! And then someone says that I’d better start referring to him as my late husband or I’ll never get a date. It’s all a bit disorienting and confusing. I once said that my first-marriage divorce was harder to go through than Craig dying. But the part after – I’m beginning to think that the dying is harder.


I’m scared I’m not good enough to support myself and the business. Some days I’m not sure whether I have what it takes to be in a new relationship. I’m reacting to the fear and pushing hard to fill my hours and days, but my body is saying it’s way too much pressure. So, now it’s itching all over and driving me crazy so I have no choice but to pay attention. How do I let all my organs rest and calm down? What do I do with the empty part of me? How do I fill it with God and not work? How do I stop judging myself as incompetent with grieving? Was there a manual that said how to do this? I know, I should write it!


Damn it there are better things to do with my time than to spend it grieving. Craig’s happy, he’s in a good place, why can’t I just be happy for him? Perhaps that the essence of humility. Admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to do this well, and I’m having difficulty being selfless and just being happy for him. I just can’t do this alone. It takes God Almighty to make those difficult choices of whose spouse gets to go and be an angel, and it takes God Almighty to hold me through this pain. And it will take God Almighty to forgive me and be merciful to me for my helplessness, and to help me see how to transform the sins of my rebellion and anger and pain into acceptance and goodly deeds. [This is from a new quotation I found a few weeks ago from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá: “Thy generous Lord will…forgive thy sins and transform them into goodly deeds. Verily He is the Forgiving, the Compassionate, the Lord of immeasurable grace.” SWA #141]


The joke is that there is no manual. No one grieves the same way so they tell me, so there is no right way. There’s just my path and my choices and my utter bafflement about how to do it “right”. Which brings me back again to humility. And being merciful to myself and asking God’s mercy on me and putting myself in Hands that are kinder to me than I ever am.


Photo of Vancouver, Canada, “English Corner” Discussion on Marriage, December 12, 2010

Transitions, November 4, 2010

I’m feeling moved to write tonight, to sort through the mix of emotions that have coursed through me lately.

A few years ago, Craig and I joined a Toastmasters group to improve our public speaking skills and to meet new people. We actively participated and in fact were chosen as group officers right before his diagnosis. That fall, I was so tired and stressed that I resisted going, but Craig was insistent that we go back after his recovery from surgery. And, he was so right. It helped very much to be in a supportive group, laugh with others, and to complete our achievement of becoming Competent Communicators.


Last week I did a 10-minute radio interview, which you can listen to at this link: http://healthpodcast.podbean.com/2010/10/30/happy-marriages-dont-happen-by-accident/  In listening to the recording, I heard an “ah” and “um” or two (something Toastmasters trains you to not do!). And, I’m giving a 45-minute keynote talk at a marriage conference in Vancouver on December 4th and a marriage workshop there the following weekend. So, it seemed like a good time to go back to Toastmasters for a brush up on my presentation skills. I deliberately went to a different group tonight though, one closer to home at the Euclid Library. I participated, even evaluating someone’s speech since the group was shorthanded. At the end, I made a commitment and signed up as a member. And then I cried all the way home. I heard Craig say he was glad I went back…and it just seemed so wrong to not have him there in person.


Another landmark – I went on a date last night. I’m now on match.com and eharmony.com, learning all about the joys and challenges of meeting people on line. And I’m definitely learning--what to do for safety, how to block my phone number, how to interact on email, phone, and in person and how different each method is. It was fun, and nerve-wracking, to be out with someone – we just met at a coffee house in Euclid. And, when he got physically close at the end of the night I was clear I wasn’t quite as ready as I thought I was to deal with it. We agreed not to meet again for a variety of reasons…but I’m glad that I did it. Craig said he’d help with finding me a new husband, but in the absence of a name, address, and phone number, here I go online. And I already have a notepad of lessons learned…


I notice that I’m struggling at times with feeling like I don’t quite fit. I’m doing all the things that are in front of me to do with work, Bahá’í community service, my finances, the dating services, etc. but I feel like I haven’t quite found my place in the world and still feel like I’m in the middle of a major transition. Which I suppose I am! It’s like I’m present and participating, but part of me is absent or not quite fully involved. It’s hard to describe. I am clear though that participating in each day is an act of courage and faith and doing my best with both.


Love,
Susanne