Continuing the Second Anniversary Story

All the people who told me I would love painting and it would be easy never did a first project that had 12 walls, 2 doorways, a closet, a window, and a window bench! I’m really glad to have the room transformed…and I was utterly exhausted, sore all over, and completely resistant to putting two coats on the walls. It took me 3 days to get it all taped, painted with one coat, and untapped, and that’s the way it’s going to stay! The room is all transformed, and I’m happy. And I may never paint again… The quilted piece in the window was made by my sister Val.

On July 5, friends Nik Tressler and Morgan Rodehurst came over and moved furniture into the prayer room. Then they looked at the family room furniture and moved it all around. Then they moved all the living room furniture around. Then we tried out the furniture in all three, ending up with prayers in the re-done prayer room! Such an amazing blessing to have the main floor of the house all transformed and with such generous accompaniment! On July 6, I then headed out to Albuquerque (which I can now spell!), New Mexico, leaving various pictures off the walls and messes to clean up later.

I had mixed feelings about going off to a marriage conference alone. The first evening I was asked whether my husband was with me, and it brought a few tears. However, overall, the conference was also transitional. I had discussions with colleagues about how to take lessons learned from these last four years and use them to help others, something I think I’m about ready to do. I did a well-received workshop on Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage for 8 couples. I told them about Craig at the beginning, and played music from him about marriage at the end. It felt spiritually transformative for the participants and helpful for me too. I also had a booth in the exhibit area.

I led two workshops after the conference for the Albuquerque Baha’i Faith community. We had over 40 people in the married couples session and about a dozen in the singles session. Lovely to spend two nights with one of the couples. Then I came home and hung pictures and got the house ready for guests.

This weekend, a young engaged couple visited, Talia Lindsley (from Oregon and Columbus, Ohio) and Rory Turnbull (from Scotland and Columbus, Ohio). Talia has volunteered here for Marriage Transformation a couple of times. So, she was the first guest to try out the renewed guest room space, which was lovely. They also helped me with transforming my bedroom space. Yesterday they and another couple helped field test some new marriage material, with the other couple having a very wonderful and spiritual session in the prayer room (where we figure Craig was likely doing some influencing!). Then we had a devotional in the afternoon that included Talia singing.

Workshops are beginning to feel very comfortable, even though I still wish Craig were physically there with me. He was always my time keeper, and I’m even getting better at doing that. People are responding positively, so being a widow doesn’t seem to be an issue. So, I’ll continue to be on the road… When we had guests, Craig always helped with serving people. I’m also getting better at remembering to offer drinks!


I’m declaring the second anniversary of Craig’s passing now complete.

Second Anniversary of Craig’s Passing

If grief were a linear process, this would feel easier than a year ago. However, there have been many grief triggers this spring, and grief has lain heavy on my chest in recent days.

The question arose this spring about whether it would be wise to get a business partner. Oh, you mean replace Craig?! Grief. Do married couple workshops without Craig? Grief. Go to a marriage conference without Craig? Grief. I miss his smile, his listening, his gentle and loving spirit, his touch, tea and prayers in the morning, holding at night, consultations on every topic, music, encouragement, celebrations, him doing the dishes…. Grief. And…joy in the memories and knowing that he is still close when I need him spiritually.

Craig passed at 9 a.m. July 1, 2009. During the night before, I had the midnight to 4 a.m. shift. I played music, prayed, massaged him, and held his hand. Last night at 2:30 a.m. he nudged me awake to come down to the prayer room, which had been his bedroom the last months of his life. We communed until almost 4 a.m., praying and sharing.

At 9 a.m. this morning, I prayed for his soul. I spoke with my mother-in-law. Later in the morning, Ruth Twaddell met me at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day. We talked and prayed together at Craig’s grave, and then had lunch at a Thai restaurant in Coventry. I went from there to meet with my social worker at The Gathering Place. Eileen helped me process and understand how I’m doing emotionally. I appreciated the accompaniment from her and Ruth today. And the many supportive messages on Facebook.

This evening I’ve begun on a major transitional project. Everything is now out of the prayer room, and I’m going to paint it cornmeal yellow. I’ve never painted a room before, so that makes it twice as big of a project! For the last two years, the walls have been full of the pictures and cards that Craig wanted to see from his bed. To that I added a small display of his glasses, our I love my wife and I love my husband buttons, his prayer book, pinecones from the Holy Land and the cemetery, the first magnet I gave him, and more (See photo). Most of this is not going back in the room. I also plan to make it back into its original combination prayer room and guest room…provided I can find a couple of strong backs to move the foldout couch back in there! I don’t want the room to become a permanent shrine to Craig…and it’s been comforting to have it the way it was.

I can make a long gratitude list…life is overall good. It just still seems strange to not have Craig physically in it. I wonder whether that will ever change?! I’m also so curious about his life in the next world. I wish I could be a journalist and interview him about it!


With love,
Susanne

From Winter to Spring, March 11, 2011

December and January felt so challenging. The stress reaction in my body from overworking and attempting the first steps of dating lingered on into early February. However, it was bad enough of an experience to give birth to the commitment to find some balance and keep it long-term. I tried many, many “remedies” to calm things down and get the all-over itching to go away. Months of not sleeping through the night is now helping me savor doing it. I’m beginning to regain at least a couple of the 10 pounds lost.

I tried applying regular medicine; taking Chinese medicine; reading fewer romance novels; starting reading comedy non-fiction books; practicing laughing; exercising more; chocolate; journaling; praying; making diet changes; socializing more; receiving Reiki, Jin Shin Jytusu, and massage; learning meditation; signing off match.com and eharmony.com; receiving a visit from close friends; visiting my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter in Fort Lauderdale (see photos)…. See, I’m even an over-achiever at trying to de-stress! Sigh….

All of these efforts have had some interesting outcomes. I’ve written five new books for my granddaughter Giuliana. My other granddaughter Karida is now my penpal. As I’m laughing more and socializing more, it’s helping others to do the same (see photo of me at a recent party). I’ve developed lovely friendships with two gentlemen, one local and one in another state. Neither particularly shows signs of romance; we have just relaxed and enjoyed the friendship-building process. I’ve also begun doing a regular meditation practice. I found a group through www.meetup.com and visited. It turned out that the mentor they assigned to me was one of Craig’s former coworkers, and we already knew one another. I’m noticing that doing the meditation on “divine light of the heart” lessens my anxieties during the day. And I’m meeting lovely new people…

Of course, now that I’m feeling better, my tendency to over-do is back dogging me! But I’ve got to “catch up”! Same old, same old…never-ending to-do list. A colleague recommended that I try hiring interns to work with me, so I’m advertising for interns, as well as volunteers, and we’ll see where that goes. I’m supposed to be interviewing the first two over the next few days.


My 55th birthday is coming up on Sunday. I can’t seem to quite shake the memory connection between it and Craig, so I’m experiencing some sadness right now. And, also making some plans for the day so I’m not alone on it this year. Friends have invited me to breakfast and dinner. I received a lovely letter yesterday from the Bahá’í National Assembly in response to a recent report I sent to them about the Marriage Transformation Project. They acknowledged the project’s work, saying “the National Assembly is grateful for and highly esteems your dedication to the preservation and strengthening of the divine institution of marriage.” They also said, “Also kindly accept, again, our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband, and the assurance of our supplications for the continued progress of Craig’s noble soul throughout the divine realms.” I then spent an hour crying in response.


My flowers were up an inch until we got dumped with a foot of snow in the last 24 hours. I’m looking forward to daffodil season. I’m not physically doing the Bahá’í Fast, but I’m appreciating the time of increased spiritual reflection and prayer and aligning my mind, heart, soul, and body up with the coming year and a new plan for Bahá’í community activity from the Universal House of Justice.


I often feel Craig close during prayers, and give him assignments/requests (!) from time to time, like guiding the process of finding interns and helpers. Someone recently showed up to partner with me on doing my first Teleseminar. I appreciate having the invisible helpers surrounding me, along with the friendships and family here that sustain me.


So, that’s a brief update. I’m mostly living life going forward, but with some looking backwards as grief hits.

Love,
Susanne

The Essential Humility of Grief – December 25, 2010

In 2006 I asked God to teach me about humility, and of course there have then been lessons ever since. I’m a life-long know-it-all. I’m good at being right. I’m good at judging others…and myself…and knowing that we could be better, do it better, be closer to perfect. When I’ve been around people who were still grieving years after a loved one died, I thought there was something wrong with them. I showed sympathy and caring…and meant them, sort of. But still, I thought they must be doing something wrong to still be crying.


So, I thought I’d do it better. Grieve for a few months and be done with it. But it hasn’t been working. Oh, I’ve gone back to work and I’m being productive. But, I was angry at the cemetery the other day because Craig wasn’t there to place the wreath on the family plot. And I’m pissed off because he helped me heal from my first marriage and then left me in pain again. And I cried before Thanksgiving because he wasn’t going to his mother’s with me and there were no vitamins to pack up for him. And he should have been in line with me at the funeral home this week when his boss died.


There’s a burning pain in my chest where my mate used to be. My head sort of knows that he’s someplace good and tending me with all his super new powers, but sometimes it’s hard to have enough faith and trust to really believe that this is a good thing for him and me.


I stand in front of participants to teach them marriage skills and I talk about Craig and our marriage. Given the eternal nature of marriage, it’s so hard to know whether he’s present tense or past, or whether our marriage is present tense or past. And sometimes I’m present tense and he’s past tense and how do I talk about “us”! And then someone says that I’d better start referring to him as my late husband or I’ll never get a date. It’s all a bit disorienting and confusing. I once said that my first-marriage divorce was harder to go through than Craig dying. But the part after – I’m beginning to think that the dying is harder.


I’m scared I’m not good enough to support myself and the business. Some days I’m not sure whether I have what it takes to be in a new relationship. I’m reacting to the fear and pushing hard to fill my hours and days, but my body is saying it’s way too much pressure. So, now it’s itching all over and driving me crazy so I have no choice but to pay attention. How do I let all my organs rest and calm down? What do I do with the empty part of me? How do I fill it with God and not work? How do I stop judging myself as incompetent with grieving? Was there a manual that said how to do this? I know, I should write it!


Damn it there are better things to do with my time than to spend it grieving. Craig’s happy, he’s in a good place, why can’t I just be happy for him? Perhaps that the essence of humility. Admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to do this well, and I’m having difficulty being selfless and just being happy for him. I just can’t do this alone. It takes God Almighty to make those difficult choices of whose spouse gets to go and be an angel, and it takes God Almighty to hold me through this pain. And it will take God Almighty to forgive me and be merciful to me for my helplessness, and to help me see how to transform the sins of my rebellion and anger and pain into acceptance and goodly deeds. [This is from a new quotation I found a few weeks ago from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá: “Thy generous Lord will…forgive thy sins and transform them into goodly deeds. Verily He is the Forgiving, the Compassionate, the Lord of immeasurable grace.” SWA #141]


The joke is that there is no manual. No one grieves the same way so they tell me, so there is no right way. There’s just my path and my choices and my utter bafflement about how to do it “right”. Which brings me back again to humility. And being merciful to myself and asking God’s mercy on me and putting myself in Hands that are kinder to me than I ever am.


Photo of Vancouver, Canada, “English Corner” Discussion on Marriage, December 12, 2010

Transitions, November 4, 2010

I’m feeling moved to write tonight, to sort through the mix of emotions that have coursed through me lately.

A few years ago, Craig and I joined a Toastmasters group to improve our public speaking skills and to meet new people. We actively participated and in fact were chosen as group officers right before his diagnosis. That fall, I was so tired and stressed that I resisted going, but Craig was insistent that we go back after his recovery from surgery. And, he was so right. It helped very much to be in a supportive group, laugh with others, and to complete our achievement of becoming Competent Communicators.


Last week I did a 10-minute radio interview, which you can listen to at this link: http://healthpodcast.podbean.com/2010/10/30/happy-marriages-dont-happen-by-accident/  In listening to the recording, I heard an “ah” and “um” or two (something Toastmasters trains you to not do!). And, I’m giving a 45-minute keynote talk at a marriage conference in Vancouver on December 4th and a marriage workshop there the following weekend. So, it seemed like a good time to go back to Toastmasters for a brush up on my presentation skills. I deliberately went to a different group tonight though, one closer to home at the Euclid Library. I participated, even evaluating someone’s speech since the group was shorthanded. At the end, I made a commitment and signed up as a member. And then I cried all the way home. I heard Craig say he was glad I went back…and it just seemed so wrong to not have him there in person.


Another landmark – I went on a date last night. I’m now on match.com and eharmony.com, learning all about the joys and challenges of meeting people on line. And I’m definitely learning--what to do for safety, how to block my phone number, how to interact on email, phone, and in person and how different each method is. It was fun, and nerve-wracking, to be out with someone – we just met at a coffee house in Euclid. And, when he got physically close at the end of the night I was clear I wasn’t quite as ready as I thought I was to deal with it. We agreed not to meet again for a variety of reasons…but I’m glad that I did it. Craig said he’d help with finding me a new husband, but in the absence of a name, address, and phone number, here I go online. And I already have a notepad of lessons learned…


I notice that I’m struggling at times with feeling like I don’t quite fit. I’m doing all the things that are in front of me to do with work, Bahá’í community service, my finances, the dating services, etc. but I feel like I haven’t quite found my place in the world and still feel like I’m in the middle of a major transition. Which I suppose I am! It’s like I’m present and participating, but part of me is absent or not quite fully involved. It’s hard to describe. I am clear though that participating in each day is an act of courage and faith and doing my best with both.


Love,
Susanne

Completions and Creativity, September 4, 2010

Each stretch of time brings changes…I suppose that’s the nature of life!


The Bahá’í Grief Support Group wound up in August. We agreed to be “on call” for one another or others as needed, but its intense period of usefulness was over. The handouts from it are on one of my new websites, so they will be of ongoing value to others.

The hospital and hospice have both done group memorials in this last year that I chose to not attend. However, the Gathering Place, our cancer support center, held its “annual” memorial earlier this week, and Craig was included. It seemed right to go. I was grateful to have friends with me, Nik Tressler, Melodie Yates, and Janet Lyon. It was good not to be alone. I visited the healing garden there before the ceremony began, sitting and praying on a bench that Craig and I sat on together. The service included the opportunity for family to speak about their loved one. I somewhat tearfully expressed how glad I was to believe in life after death and know that Craig is still with me spiritually. I also spoke of his enduring power of example. While I spoke, Nik was able to visibly see Craig standing in support beside me.

Another completion in this period was Leah Farnsworth Izzard coming to sort through and clear out her boxes in the basement. Leah is Craig’s youngest daughter. So, now the house just has my own stuff, which I’m also occasionally (!) sorting through.

With some trepidation, I stepped in a new direction and posted my profile on www.twodoves.net, a matching service run for Baha’is. This is both a learning experience for me and also helping me feel open to future possibilities. Whoever Craig picked out as a possible husband for me hasn’t shown up yet, so I’m just staying observant!

I’m very focused on finishing about 10 eBooks, some new and some edited versions of previous material. You may recall that the consultation group from last December recommended this as a good place for me to put my energy. So, it’s progressing! I wrote one of the books in the weeks before Craig’s passing and read it aloud to him for agreement. It is called Empowered Healing, Creating Quality of Life While Journeying with Cancer and details Craig’s fact-based, spirit-guided approach and ways we applied it. As I do a final edit of it, I’m reflecting that I’m so grateful I wrote it then, not only so Craig was involved, but because I don’t think I could have written it now. Dr. Bernie Siegel, one of Craig’s inspirers, has provided this testimonial:

“There is a pattern to the personality of long-term survivors. They demonstrate action, wisdom, and devotion in their response to cancer and seek personal empowerment. Empowered Healing coaches and helps you to create a quality of life that gives your body the message to live. When you love your life, your body shows its love too.” ~ Bernie Siegel, M.D. best-selling author of Love, Medicine & Miracles, Faith, Hope & Healing and Help Me to Heal

One of the main tasks I accomplished in August was to create a website for more directly serving the relationship and marriage needs of the Bahá’í Faith community. They have always been a primary audience and customer base, but Marriage Transformation needs to be more focused on a general audience. So, now there is a site that combines http://www.bahaimarriage.net/ and http://www.bahairelationships.com/. It helped tremendously to have Talia Lindsley back as a volunteer for a few days in late July to get the process started, especially creating devotional meeting handouts on the topic of marriage.

My Bahá’í service locally is prompting me to spend many hours in meetings and taking notes, which is interesting and also physically challenging. I’m also doing lots of driving around the area and connecting and reconnecting with many people (see photo of me with Lakewood Baha’is). Last evening I went to a devotional in a beautiful garden setting (see photos) and was surprised to see a former colleague there as a guest. Fran Henry was the first editor (now retired) at the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper to give me a freelance assignment there. So, it was fun to catch up a bit. She is standing in the photo next to Rick Eastburn, our host.

So, overall, life is full, interesting, growthful, and keeping me learning all the time.

Love,
Susanne

Cleveland to Florida and Back Again – July 25, 2010

The anniversary of Craig’s passing on July 1st turned out to be fairly emotionally calm all-in-all. In the morning, I read back through the condolence messages and cards that came in on his passing. It was good to be reminded of everyone’s caring and support. Craig’s daughter Michelle, her daughter Karida, son David with wife Christina and son Aidan and I had lunch together. We then met Craig’s Mom, Lu, and sister Nancy with her husband Bob at the cemetery. Leah wasn’t able to be with us, but we read a message from her and relaxed and visited there in the beautiful sunshine together for awhile.


On July 5th, I drove with a very full car down towards Orlando, Florida. Here on my third trip south in a year, I was finally able to empty the basement of the last of my daughter Jennifer’s stored stuff! The stop in Orlando was from July 7-11 for the annual international Smart Marriages® and Happy Families Conference. Ten days before the conference, the director and I decided that nothing was working smoothly with my new book in the bookstore and that Craig must want me to have a booth! So, with a lot of scrambling, I assembled all the booth supplies and sold books in the exhibit area instead.


The conference was full of emotional moments: Frustration and annoyance at not having Craig to help schlep the boxes and suitcases all over the resort. Sadness at putting the “singles” sticker on my nametag. Tears along with expressions of sympathy and condolence and hugs from people I knew. And, happiness at selling quite a few books, meeting many of the experts who contributed to All-in-One Marriage Prep, and having people join me to help at the booth.

Amy Schwandes, a Bahá’í from Orlando that I’d not met before helped out as a volunteer on Thursday and contributed wonderful candy for booth visitors. My publisher, Jeff Schlesinger, and his wife Molly Barrow, one of the experts, also drove up from Naples to help man the booth for 2 days (see photos of them with me and of Jeff with me). With the help, I was able to attend a number of the workshops and keynote sessions, which was great. One of the best was a luncheon with all-women panelists making a research-based appeal for the woman’s movement to take on championing marriage and family as being good for women.

We held a contest at the booth for the person who got the most experts to sign their book. Winner was Judy McGraw, a family support person at the McGuire Air Force base. (pictured with me and Barbara Jenkins Spires, who provided The Couple Links game as one of the grand prizes http://www.couplelinksgame.com/).

After the conference ended, I spent two nights staying with Baha’is Katherin and Na’im Fananian in Orlando and presented a mini-workshop/information evening about marriage to 22 people. Very fun! (See photos of the group and me with Na’im)

Then on the 13th, on to Ft. Lauderdale/Plantation to stay with Jennifer, Frank, and granddaughter Giuliana for a few days. She walked independently for a few steps while I was there – a landmark moment. However, such adventurousness meant she was needing to be close to her mom and dad a lot, so Nana didn’t get to play with her as much as hoped . But, we did swim together, and I won points for finding a Pooh cup with a straw that she loved. I made her three books full of her photos along with stories for her real present though. We had an excellent birthday party for her the day after her birthday on July 17th. (See photos from this period of time)

Then, once again trekking home north. I have rarely felt lonely over this year, but it really began to hit me as I was traveling. Too many experiences where it would have been lovely to have a companion. I’m also experiencing some anger these days – too many decisions and plans to make without a partner to help. But, I’m coping one day at a time.


Two days after getting home, stress and overwhelm hit with a migraine. I chased it mostly off with home remedies but took it easier on Friday. Thanks to my mom for paying for a massage! Then yesterday was exhausting again. I’ve been appointed to a Bahá’í committed called the Area Teaching Committee, and there was training for the three of us as new members all day. Fatigue mingled with grief – so much of the day felt like a better fit for Craig than me – he loved processing data! Together with friends at the end I began crying and then leaked off and on most of the way home.


This morning was the grief support group in my home. It reassured me that all this emotional mix is very normal. While I think it ought to be done, it still surprises me, and my energy level isn’t what I want it to be. I go through periods of being very confident with work, and then totally questioning whether I can truly make a living at it. Confidence, faith, and fear keep rotating.


I have a lot of ideas and projects percolating, so creatively I’m back engaged. And…managing all the details is a challenge! One day at a time…


Love,
Susanne