I started out November very focused on trying to get everything done around the house and with Craig’s affairs. I had applied to serve at the Bahá’í World Centre in Israel and wondered whether I’d have to move on short notice. I was mentally in moving mode. But, they’ve decided it’s not the right time for me to come, so I’m breathing a bit in relief and backing off on pushing so hard. And, of course, still trying to figure out what I should be doing and where I should be!
I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.
I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.
My stepdaughter Michelle came to town for a couple of days and her brother Dave came over, too. I’ve got about 25 boxes of books that I’ve taken off of our 10 bookcases, trying to downsize, and they got first choice of their contents. And the bookcases are still holding a lot of books! As I sort through possessions, grief at times blindsides me – holding Craig’s glasses and combs was hard. Praying for the progress of his soul helps…
For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.
On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.
I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.
Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:
Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home
I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.
Love,
Susanne
For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.
On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.
I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.
Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:
Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home
I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.
Love,
Susanne
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