Talia Comes to Visit – December 25-30, 2009

It’s been my experience that when one consults about choices and makes decisions, then resources to carry them out begin to show up. Shortly after the December 6th consultation about my life, I heard from Talia Lindsley, who wanted to volunteer to help with the Marriage Transformation Project. She is an Ohio State college student, living only about 2.5 hours of driving from my home, although across the country from her family in Oregon. She is a music education grad student.

Even before Talia came on December 25th, her offer was beneficial. It prompted me to sort through piles on both desks, throw things away, and get organized. Once she was here, we discovered we worked well together and accomplished the following:

- set company goals for the first half of 2010
- reorganized and cleaned out the book shipping area of the basement
- planned out a new, simplified design for the website
- edited the agent query letter and book proposal for Empowered Healing
- edited a new e-book entitled Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage
- set up a company profile for Marriage Transformation on Facebook
- researched dating websites so as to be able to make recommendations to clients
- cleaned up the online shopping cart and made it more accurate
- researched potential software and setups for e-books
- set up a coaching profile on a relationship magazine website
- set up an ad on buyfrombahais.com

We also talked, walked, shoveled snow, cooked and ate together, prayed, played music, and had fun. On Saturday night, we visited my friends the Twaddells for a party. One of their sons, Daniel, is a student in the music department at OSU and in the Bahá’í Campus Association there as well, so he and Talia had previously met each other. Their son David was visiting from Israel, where he works at the Bahá’í World Centre. We enjoyed watching his slides and videos.

Talia’s family placed book orders and so did others, so I ran to the post office a couple of times. I shared a lot about Craig with her, which was a lovely activity. One unique experience was connecting via Skype with Talia’s boyfriend Rory Turnbull, who was visiting his family in Scotland. We set up a Scrabble board here, turned the web-camera on it, and we told Rory what letters we chose for him. Amazingly he won! Well, and then again, he’s a linguist. (See photo of the game)



I talked Talia’s ear off…it was so good to have company! And definitely a blessing for the business as well. I was tired enough when she left that I know we had reached the limit, but it was also sad to have the house so empty again. I had thought before she came that it would be good to have someone who was high energy, but Talia’s quiet, gentle spirit was actually perfect and helped me to sustain my energy. She even coped relatively well with working in a 67 degree house with a snowstorm outside! (See photo)



Today has been a rest day – lots of time in bed reading and relaxing before heading into year-end inventory and financials tomorrow.

Love,
Susanne

Visiting Grief, December 19, 2009

I don’t feel as if I live in the land of grief. I’m often cheerful and involved in daily living and activities. However, I visit it. Or it visits me. I’m not sure which. Often the ticket to get there is an instant pass with no advance booking. I opened a book this week while clearing off a shelf in my office, and there on a cut-out heart from one of our workshops was an appreciation in Craig’s handwriting: “Susanne scratches my back every night.” The tears were immediately present.

Sometimes I play music and stray thoughts coalesce and show up as snatches of emotional prose that I capture for a yet-to-be-fully-formed book. Here are a couple of examples:

“Why do I have to re-invent my life? Why does it have to go some new direction? Am I supposed to be alone now for the next 40 years? Look for a new partner? What if I can’t do it successfully again – layers upon layers of touch and experience? You were my prince. We created bliss and success together. Why does God want to push me for more? Could I not learn detachment some less painful way?”

“Sometimes I understand why widows always used to dress in black. The sun is blackened in some moments. Oh, I’m not generally unhappy. But sometimes so very sad and so very mad. Or do I mean angry? I dress in purple, because it is the color of the spirit and the color of our wedding band stones. But then I dress in red to be angry. Or yellow to be happy. What does it mean to be a widow when there is no longer a costume, a design, a symbol to declare that I’m in mourning. Those of us who face the death of a loved one look so ordinary to the world. The pain all has to sit on the inside and often be on the hide side. With some it’s comfortable to let the tears fall down my cheeks, but for others it sticks in the throat and lodges in pain between the ribs around my heart.”

“Sometimes I’m fiercely glad that you are integrally part of me forever. Sometimes I’m so glad that you are nearby. And then I just want to run and hide far away and hope you don’t follow so I don’t have to face how life has changed and is changing every day. Near, far, words that speak of the physical which you are no longer. It’s a mirage, a miracle, a mystery. My mind grapples trying to understand the unknowable, to find patterns in the immensely complex. WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE AM I? WHERE ARE WE? IS THERE STILL A WE? It’s the pain of that last question that spreads the blackness of doubt warring with hope and dreams. Can I ever be good enough to deserve being with you again for eternity? What does God want of me yet?”

On December 8th, the afternoon before I left for Florida, Craig’s marker stone was set at his grave at Lake View Cemetery. They tell me it takes so long, because the granite to match the others at the family plot had to come from Vermont and then be lettered in Ohio. On the 16th, Dave Farnsworth (Craig’s son) and I visited the cemetery with a Christmas wreath, a family tradition, and to see the stone. It was a very emotional visit, with stories of Craig and simply seeing yet one more piece of “evidence” that he’s physically gone. Part of my ongoing process of achieving acceptance.

That afternoon I met with the social worker at The Gathering Place, sharing and exploring where I’m at and why I feel so blocked carrying out the publication of the book on responding to cancer that Craig and I did this spring. Some of it seems to be resistance to the topic of cancer taking over my life. I stayed at TGP and participated in a panel for medical students on the subject of caregiving cancer patients. So, all in all, a very emotional day. The following day I cancelled most plans and spent a lot of time in bed.

After two days of taking it easy, on the 18th our spiritual study circle group visited Lake View cemetery together. Remember the rocks we painted in November? They got placed on Craig’s grave and on the grave of the mother of one of the participants. It was lovely, and not as wrenching as the visit there with Dave.

So, it’s been a week where grief has filled me at times and exhausted me. Interspersed have been decisions about health insurance, life insurance, job hunting, bill paying, finding a place for my mother and I to stay in Florida in February, visiting the dentist (no cavities!), yoga, massage, chiropractor, swimming, study circles, and reorganizing my office. And naps.

Love,
Susanne

Quick Florida Trip, Dec. 9-13, 2009

Before the craziness of traveling during the Christmas season, and of course while it was icy in Cleveland and 84 degrees in Florida, I flew down to see my daughter Jennifer, son-in-law Frank, and of course granddaughter Giuliana. At 5 months, she is showing definite signs of developing her unique personality and changing daily. She learned to roll over both ways while I was there.

Jennifer and I had an enjoyable time doing some shopping and doing non-Christmas home decorating projects at their house, like framing and hanging pictures. We enjoyed Friday pizza night with Frank’s mother Christine and sister Fanya. Jennifer and I dipped Giuliana into the swimming pool for the first time. Jennifer, Frank, and I watched the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD. And the four of us went out to eat at Sweet Tomatoes. So, a relaxing and fun trip. No medical emergencies or problems. Just fun. Yay! Enjoy the photos.

Love,
Susanne

Consultation About My Life, December 6, 2009

In the fall of 1997, I was recently divorced and my job of shipping chemicals had ended at BP. I held a consultation at that time about where I should live and what I should do. The group recommended staying in Cleveland and becoming a writer. My life made a dramatic turn from that time on. (BTW, coincidentally, Craig was one of the attendees, when there was nothing romantic between us.) Now faced with new major choices in my life, I decided to request another group convene at my home. I was amazed and delighted to discover that I had considerably more people qualified to participate than I had need of or space for. We ended up with eight of us (nine including Craig).

This is the guidance from the Bahá’í Writings that we followed: “The question of consultation is of the utmost importance, and is one of the most potent instruments conducive to the tranquility and felicity of the people. For example, when a believer is uncertain about his affairs, or when he seeketh to pursue a project or trade, the friends should gather together and devise a solution for him. He, in his turn, should act accordingly. Likewise in larger issues, when a problem ariseth, or a difficulty occurreth, the wise should gather, consult, and devise a solution. They should then rely upon the one true God, and surrender to His Providence, in whatever way it may be revealed, for divine confirmations will undoubtedly assist.”(‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Consultation, pp. 96-97; Fire & Gold, p. 270)

It takes me a lot of courage to lay out my finances and circumstance and invite input. The group was loving and respectful as I cried, shared the status on the Marriage Transformation Project, and explored possibilities for earning an income with them. They recommended that I not put the house up for sale yet, but re-evaluate this choice next summer. And they gave me some guidelines for the next few months, including finding part-time work and what projects made sense to tackle for the project. They also recommended some additional support for grieving. I feel blessed by their friendship and support, as well as some help in determining the new directions in my life.

Love,
Susanne