Comforts – August 31, 2009

It’s been an interesting couple of days, watching what happens to me emotionally when I try to firmly schedule things instead of just letting them flow – anxiety and stress. I tried to go to a large devotional meeting in Sarasota on Sunday and woke up in the middle of the night before with a panic attack. (Followed by being very pissed off that it happened!) I still cannot do big groups, especially ones where I know I’ll have to say over and over again why I’m down here. I am deliberately working on accepting Craig’s death by saying to people who ask me why I’m here, “My husband died on July 1 of brain cancer, and I’m here resting and grieving.” But that’s once every few days or so to random strangers at the club house pool, not 15 times in one meeting. I’ve asked myself would it be any better walking into a meeting at home where I know everyone and realizing that would be difficult too. Maybe worse, because there the question would be “How are you doing?”

I’ve been reflecting on all the things that I’m doing to be gentle and comfort myself during this difficult time. So, I’ll share some of them in this posting. It’s helpful having friends down here who are just letting me do whatever I need to do and say whatever is on my mind. Conversations with Jennifer and Michelle (daughter/stepdaughter) help, too. I sleep at night in Craig’s t-shirts next to his fuzzy jacket. I have a prayer area set up with a few things from the prayer room at home, a candle, a bowl of shells from the beach that I keep adding to, and photos of Craig and the grandkids. I’m eating well (yes, Mom!), but indulging in a few comfort foods: cinnamon-raisin bread, chocolate-covered raisins, black licorice, and potatoes. No, not all at once!

I’m doing art therapy at times, particularly with the water color paints that hospice hasn’t picked up yet! This photo is one that I did of my soul with Craig’s light surrounding me and God’s light surrounding us both. I’ve also bought a couple of my friend Raphaella’s posters (she’s an artist), one that says “Breathe” and one that says “All Is Well” and placed them where I can

see them regularly. I have books of positive sayings, grieving books, my prayer book, and a bunch of lightweight or uplifting novels, too. I have about 100 CD’s, so I play music off and on as well…often the silence is perfect. I’m still journaling too, even though doing the blog is substituting for part of it.

One piece of advice that I received this spring was to buy a couple of stuffed animals and have Craig hug them so I’d have them to hold at this stage. So, down here with me is Mrs. Empathy, Empy for short, a squeezable hippo. Craig’s jacket has displaced her in the bed, so she sits across from me in the family room and I pose her in whatever mood I’m in at the time. And hug her when the tears are falling. [Photos show calm/open, angry, and sad poses]

The abundant amount of nature experiences down here are comforting, too…whether the animals are symbolic of something or not! Yesterday a white heron visited me in the back yard. Today a sandhill crane walked across the road and then posed for me. I’ve noted how abundant the dragonflies are in the back yard, at the beach, and by the pool. Here’s a link with the symbolism for them! http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html Late afternoon today, Raphaella and I drove the 5 minutes to the beach and spent 90 minutes swimming and finding beautiful seashells. It’s good to be here.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a book project dedicated to Craig – it will help increase the amount of service people learn to do when they attend Bahá’í study circles. So, a good fit for him, and it feels good to be writing and feeling creative…slowly and gently. When I needed a break yesterday I hit a rack of balls on the billiard table at the clubhouse – got them all in the pockets without a single scratch this time!—and jumped in the pool for a few laps.

FYI, there is now an online obituary for Craig in the American Bahá’í magazine on the national Bahá’í website. The only way to see it I think is if you have a US Bahá’í ID card as a logon. Here’s the link. If you cannot get into it and want to see it, let me know, and I’ll try to email the article to you (susanne99@gmail.com). http://www.tab.usbnc.org/Obituaries.aspx

Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support.

Love,
Susanne

Herons, Sunset, and Mini-Rainbows, August 28-29, 2009

I started our wedding anniversary day yesterday with a potential list of things to do but decided to stay in the moment and flow with whatever seemed best to do (and ended up doing very little on the list!). As usual, I began with prayer and meditation. My Healing After Loss book had an interesting reflection about people of faith still needing to be able to grieve. I also said a Bahá’í prayer for marriage that included the line, “Cause them to become the signs of harmony and unity until the end of time.”

Around 8 a.m., my friend Raphaella and I headed to Manasota Beach to swim. I was immediately greeted by another great blue heron (see photo). We then swam for a while, and soon the bird flew over us honking.

On the way home, we stopped at Yummies for a bagel (her) and apple fritter (me!). Spontaneously we walked next door to a flea market and wandered looking at all the STUFF. Thankfully, I was wallet-less and resisted! It rained during the afternoon, so I just puttered, read, reflected, listened to music…

In the evening, I went for dinner at the home of my friends Roger and Shirley Bascom, both of whom knew Craig. After dinner, we went down to Casperson Beach, which is a little “wilder” than the others in the area. We sat and read a few of the readings from our wedding program, which was lovely (see the photo of the three of us…yes, I’m in Craig’s t-shirt from Hawaii). Beach sunsets were a theme for Craig and I, and so I’ve stayed away from the beach at that time since arriving. But, since God and Craig answered my prayer and it was finally not storming at sunset, I strengthened my courage and went. I’m glad friends were with me, though. It was beautiful, and, of course, I was greeted again by a great blue heron! (see photos)


As I mentioned in a previous post, this bird was Craig’s totem…but I didn’t really know what that meant. This website makes it clearer: http://wolfs_moon.tripod.com/BlueHeronTotem.html. As I began seeking to understand this animal symbol, it became clear that it was Messenger Totem for me as well: Strive for peace, balance, independence… In my encounters with the birds, they have been amazingly serene and content. And, they always make me say, “Hi Craig!”

This morning, I went down to Venice Beach for yoga. I got there early and sat watching the strong waves – the water is usually very calm. The clouds often showed brief pieces of a rainbow (which are difficult to see in the photos). I snapped a photo of Elin, our instructor, as well (www.yogawithelin.com).

And a photo of what I could see looking up while laying on my towel.

After yoga, I had a brief encounter with a man who had also been in the session. I shared about Craig, and he shared that a close friend had died in July, so we talked briefly about the process of grieving. I mentioned my hope to see a full rainbow but that there had only been pieces. He drew a heart around where I had my feet buried in the sand and encouraged me by saying “May you have rainbows in your heart.” (see photo) He clasped my hand and wandered on down the beach.

So, I made it through the anniversary period. My mother-in-law yesterday, who has been a widow for 6 years, said it will get easier. I know that is true…but this one rocked my boat quite a bit, so I’m glad to have gone through it successfully. I wrote a poem while sitting on the beach this morning:

Resilience

Yesterday’s heron-filled serenity
Gives way to white-capped surf today
And yet the eternity of the sound
Wave after wave after wave
Fills me with a deeper peace
For this is inner serenity
Hard won in moments of agony and tears
This is the morning after
That says I survived and thrived
When rainbow glimpses
Let me know that God is alive
And, blessedly, so am I
With rainbows in my heart

Love,
Susanne

Honoring Our Marriage on Our Anniversary – August 28, 2009

Participating in a Married Couples Weekend, February 2003

It’s difficult – no make that impossible – to write this without crying along with letting the words flow. The last two wedding anniversaries that Craig and I had, he was in the hospital with infection surgeries. Last year he was in Intensive Care and didn’t remember later the little party we had in his room. This year Craig is probably more with me than he was last year! However, I’m still mostly commemorating the occasion by myself…with a little help from my friends. Am I feeling self-pity? Sorrow for the change in my circumstances? Pissed off that I’ve been “abandoned”!? Yes, yes, and yes. And yet, others are encouraging me to honor the good and celebrate that we actually stayed happily married for these 10 years. I can be in that frame of mind, too.

I loved Craig’s smile, his hugs, the warmth of him against my cold feet, his passion, his singing and music, his thoughtfulness in making us tea in the mornings and evenings, his enthusiasm about yard projects, his commitment to keep trying to build unity even when it seemed impossible to me, his loyalty, his steadfastness, his peacefulness…. I have been so incredibly supported and encouraged and championed in these years. Whatever work or goal I wanted to take on and do, Craig made it possible for me to try.

When we met, Craig was well known for impulsively jumping into situations. He was willing to totally shift this pattern, and we learned together how to be very proficient at making consultative decisions. He was willing to transform his relationships with his family, and working together with me, he made great progress in healing them. He had the strength and confidence and love to allow me to greatly influence him in positive directions. And I did my best to allow him to do the same for me. I’m a far better person today because of the years I spent with Craig and the gentle touch of his nature on mine.

We did many types of service to others separately, but we did many together. We loved “projects”! We realized early on in our marriage that we were both very capable people, and others asked both of us to do much. We agreed to not say “yes” to others without consultation, and we created a set of decision-making questions to help us determine whether anything we said “yes” to would have a detrimental effect on our marriage. We felt that maintaining our marriage was a primary form of service to ourselves, our families, and to others watching us be happy together. So, it was important to us to not be on overload and overly outward-focused. Balance and moderation were vital.

Craig and I were very compatible in many ways. We didn’t like watching television, preferring to read. We did not want pets in our home. We loved to pray together, and did our best to do it daily, even when one of us was traveling. We liked to be hospitable, although he was always more relaxed about it than I was able to be. He loved to give house tours, and it took some coaching for him to give me a few minutes to hide underwear or tidy up!

We were highly intentional in creating a marriage that would work for us both. Before marrying, we wrote down a list of commitments for what we wanted our marriage to look like (see below). Before these years of illness and now absence, it was our practice to re-visit our list on our anniversaries to assess whether we were on target or needed to set goals to address something that wasn’t going the way we wanted. Our biggest ongoing challenge was being too serious and having difficulty with lightening up together! One year at a marriage conference, we learned that it was vital for couples to have fun with one another to stay happily married. Once we realized that it was the responsible thing to do to have fun, we did very well with almost weekly date nights!

Doing the Marriage Transformation Project together was both a joy and a challenge (www.marriagetransformation.com). We were honestly thrilled to be making a difference for so many couples. However, we ended up using most of Craig’s vacation days traveling to do workshops. So, vacations got pretty non-existent in later years or we did runaway weekends. Gradually over time, the day-to-day passion of the project became mine more than Craig’s, and we were beginning to have consultations about whether there was another passion that might draw him more fully into participation. With the marriage project, he became primarily background support with finances and planning discussions. I wonder now what his passion will be as an angel!?

Craig and I were committed to having a happy, low-conflict, peaceful marriage, and I think we did great at achieving this. He did learn the skill of letting me know when he was upset at me. I had less trouble in that area! But both of us were good at clearing things up promptly, forgiving, and moving on. Being good at consulting and sharing together helped a lot. We had some pretty heavy issues over the years…finances, my parent’s divorce and father’s re-marriage, his father’s death, his son’s brain tumor, running a home-based business, kids living or staying with us, blending families, the parental consent for marriage process with two of our children, and finally Craig’s own brain cancer. So, it’s not that there were no issues in our lives. It’s just that we did well at facing them and holding one another as we worked through them.

Before we got married, we recognized that we were likely to have a handful of challenges living with one another. He wasn’t all that into cleanliness and thought I’d be obsessive about it. I eased up…somewhat…and also showed him lots of benefits for it, so he adjusted well J. He was concerned about my judgmentalism…well, what can I say…it’s still pretty automatic, but I’m much better now at shifting into being loving and accepting after years of his example and influence. It took time within our marriage to recognize that while Craig was very gentle and laid-back in temperament, he never liked to do anything slowly. He walked faster than me, always eager to get to the destination. I mostly learned to call him purposeful instead of impatient! But, it was a test for me at times, as we then didn’t hold hands on walks as often as I would have liked.

I suppose when I reflect on moments that I loved the best, at least those which can be mentioned publicly!, I am transported to places where we traveled and spent time. I remember our being in Hawaii early on in our marriage with our four parents. The helicopter over the lava flow, swimming with the dolphins, diving among tropical fish, jumping into enormous waves, and watching the waterfall…it was splendid. We branched off of a business trip of Craig’s and did a weekend on the Outer Banks of North Carolina by Cape Hatteras, where he got his Native American flute. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary at Lover’s Point near Monterey, California. We traveled to China and Florida to visit family. Later in our marriage was Israel and spending days together at the Bahá’í Shrines praying together. We recognized at that time that Craig was feeling very challenged spiritually, desperately wanting to feel more connected to God. The trip got him started on that reconnection, and the journey with cancer completed it.

We began our marriage with the struggle to re-balance after our need to be together collided with the speed at which we connected after Craig’s separation and divorce. The whole family had healing to do. Craig and I made the conscious choice to not have further children, although at times it was a sorrow to not have one together, particularly for me. We’ve done our best to love each other’s children, and that’s been good. When the first grandchild came, Karida, we were delighted to be together as grandparents. When the second one came, Aidan, both Craig’s son (the baby’s father) and Craig were dealing with brain tumors, and it was more challenging to spend time together and to bond. With the third one, Giuliana, Craig is with her spiritually, but I’m being Nana “by myself”. Craig being gone as a grandfather for both the current and the future grandchildren is a major sorrow for the kids as well as for me.

We ended our physical marriage with the family hugely healed, but with the test of Craig’s illness. We did our best as a couple to keep our marriage strong during cancer’s disruption. At times, I felt more caregiver than wife…but then taking care of his needs was part of being a wife. Throughout his cancer journey, as best as we flexibly could, we still dated, we still made love, we still consulted, we still prayed, we still moved forward with our spiritual development as people, and we still served others to the best of our ability. I then did the final physical service to him of helping his close friends with his body washing and shrouding and letting him go into the ground.

Now he’s spiritually surrounding me, in guardian angel/protector/helper mode…just as he was here, but so much more powerfully. I have moments where I feel as if I’m having a normal conversation with him. There are times when I’m floating in the ocean and feeling surrounded by sunlight that I feel the light of his soul very present. Then at other times, my own grief or periods of intense emotions get in the way of feeling him near. It’s all part of the adjustment process.

From a Bahá’í perspective, Craig and I are married for all eternity…our souls are connected because of the bond of love and friendship between us. From a family perspective, we are all adjusting to what this means. Some days I feel as if I’m still part of the blended family, and some days I wonder whether the rest of the family thinks I’m still part of them. I wonder about blood connections, marriage connections, love connections. Craig asked me to do my best to stay connected to his family, I promised to try, and I’m doing my best. Craig and I talked about whether I would re-marry (the Bahá’í teachings allow for this). We agreed to make no promises on the matter but simply to trust that the future would unfold and be clear as we went forward. He really wanted to ask me not to, though, which was simply a great testimony to how happy we have been together.

I’ve been sad this week as our anniversary approached. It’s hard doing an anniversary “alone”. I was determined not to tie grief to certain calendar dates…and here I am doing it. It’s good for me to take this time to grieve, though. It’s also good to take this time to celebrate the really extraordinary accomplishment that our marriage has been and will continue to be. I’m grateful for the family and friends who encouraged me to do this writing.

Much love,
Susanne
p.s. Here is my funeral tribute to Craig in case you missed it: www.claricomm.com/SpouseTributetoCraig.pdf

FROM OUR WEDDING PROGRAM:

Honoring Their Union: Susanne and Craig

United in mind, heart, and soul, we affirm that the intent of our relationship is to create an extraordinary family. Our commitment is to:

· Treat each other with love, honor, respect, courtesy, and integrity.
· Support and encourage each other's personal growth and transformation and the transformation of others.
· Honor and respect our own and each other's physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs and assist each other in meeting those needs wherever possible.
· Fully express and share all aspects of our selves and our lives.
· Deal with issues that arise as soon as possible.
· Be fully conscious, fully present.
· Maintain some time alone.
· Cherish, honor, and respect our children by nurturing bonds of communication and love.
· Build and maintain loving and open relationships with all family members.
· Enrich our lives with separate and mutual friendships.
· Pray separately and together daily.
· Read and deepen on the Bahá'í Writings together daily.
· Be examples of service to ourselves, each other, our families, friends, and communities.
· Be playful, have fun, and incorporate humor into daily life.
· Act with integrity in all things, particularly in our finances, our work, and our service commitments.
· Enrich our lives with the arts.
· Be patient, accepting, and nurturing, maintaining the constancy of our relationship through times of adversity and when we are not being our best selves.

Fill Thou, O God, our homes with harmony and happiness,
With laughter and delight,
With radiant kindliness and overflowing joy.

That in the union of our hearts,
Thy love may find a lodging place
And Thou Thyself may make this home of ours Thine own.
~ George Townshend

Constellations, Project, Dates & Birds – August 26, 2009

This morning I did what I often do when awakening before sunrise – I walked outside to look at the stars. When I glanced to the left, I thought, oh there’s Cassiopeia. Now, since I had no clue what this constellation looked like and had never identified it before, I immediately recognized that long-time stargazer Craig had planted the thought. I ran back inside, booted up the computer, looked it up so I could be sure what I was seeing, and went back outside to check out the sky. Sure enough, of course he was right, and there it was! So, now my star recognition repertoire has grown beyond The Big Dipper and Orion! He and I then spent quite awhile communing on a variety of topics. It’s so lovely when I get my head out of the way and let the heart be engaged and this happens!
http://www.coldwater.k12.mi.us/lms/planetarium/myth/cassiopeia.html

One discussion topic with Craig was the fact that I’ve been editing the book we created in May called Empowered Healing, Creating Quality of Life While Journeying with Cancer. I wasn’t sure that it was wise to be working on it yet, but Craig affirmed that it’s timely. I shared it last night with a cancer/grieving support group at a local church, and one of the facilitators loved it. [The group was led by a couple named Mary and Joseph, and before the session began, I randomly opened up a hymnal to “Silent Night, Holy Night”…how’s that for serendipity?!]

I’m reaching out this week for more conversations and support because I’m aware that the date of our 10th wedding anniversary is approaching on Friday. I’m very much in grief mode. Everything seems to be making me cry. The massage therapist yesterday commented on how much pain I’m storing in my muscles and joints…he keeps making progress on releasing it (and so am I), but it will take months for my body to stop holding in all the pain. I went to gentle yoga on the beach this morning and floated in the ocean afterward. It’s all part of the process.

The photos with this posting are a sunset from my yard taken Monday evening – again looking at the Eastern sky, not towards the sun, and also two bird shots from yesterday morning’s trip to Manasota Beach. Apparently, the birds are from the Ardeidae family, with the white one likely an egret and the other a Great Blue Heron. http://www.mbr-pwrc.usgs.gov/Infocenter/infocenter.html This heron was Craig’s “totem”, symbolic for him. So, how lovely to be greeted by the heron on my arrival at the beach.

Love,
Susanne

Alligators and Giuliana – August 23, 2009

On Wednesday the 19th, I traveled the 3.5 hours from Venice and across Alligator Alley to the East Coast of Florida to visit my granddaughter, Giuliana…oh, and of course her parents! However, I didn’t see a single alligator either coming or going through the Everglades. They have the whole highway fenced off from the swamp…so it was actually pretty tame from my position!

My daughter Jennifer was on antibiotics for a post-c-section infection, so she and the baby had unhappy digestive systems. They have promised me that eventually I’ll have a visit with them when everyone is feeling well! However, it was still good to visit and hold the baby, who, of course, has grown and changed since I last saw her a month ago. I also swam, helped Jen and Frank with their new website (http://www.career-search-and-more.com/), did artwork with Jennifer, had a Jin Shin Jytusu energy balancing treatment (http://www.jsjinc.net/), and visited and ate pizza with Frank’s family. I came home yesterday (Saturday).


I needed to be back in quiet space…I’m still finding it challenging to spend extended time with people. I got up this morning before dawn and headed to the beach for sunrise and swimming. Beautiful! I sat in a beach chair for a while and chuckled along with a wonderful book called God Loves Laughter. Did you know that E. E. Cummings once wrote, “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”?

Then I came home with goodies from the bakery, ate breakfast, and napped. This afternoon I finished up a handout for a colleague who is presenting a relationship workshop at a Bahá’í School in Tennessee. I know, I’m not supposed to be working. But, just a little bit here and there.
Enjoy the photos!

Love,
Susanne

Energy and Grieving – August 16, 2009

A lot of the reason I’m here in Florida is to help me recover from being so exhausted. I notice that I feel as if I have ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder. I can stay focused for only brief periods on topics and activities and conversations and then I’m wandering or exhausted. I understand that this is a normal part of grieving, or I would worry about its permanence.

I have times of feeling very happy – swimming, visiting with friends, enjoying the sunshine. Shirley (Bascom – my hostess here) snapped a photo of me yesterday out on the jetty at Venice Beach, and I’m clearly happy. But if the film could re-wind, the night before I was watching an old video of Shadowlands, a movie about the late-in-life romance of C. S. Lewis, and sobbing when his bride dies of bone cancer. Or, fast forward the film to yesterday when I accidentally spilled water all over the bills and checks I’d just opened and sorted, and I ended up pounding the bed in anger. Of course it was really about Craig no longer being around to pay the bills! I’m allowing the range of emotions to flow, as I’m told it is part of the healing process (and trusting what I’m told and feeling!). But, sometimes I wonder whether the keel of my boat will ever even out again in calm waters. The movie included the theme that happiness and pain are always mixed, and it seems to be so.

Yesterday evening around 5:30 I ended up at the beach just as a rainstorm occurred. But, I waited a few minutes for it to pass and was able to swim. Many of us were in the 90-degree water, in spite of the threatening clouds. The danger flag was up, but there was no lightning, so the lifeguard let us be. I noticed that I had to call on Craig for courage to be able to enter and then relax in the water. He would love the drama of the sea and sky and not worry so much as I tend to!

This morning I awoke early around 5:45 a.m. and wandered outside in front of the house (it’s in the 70’s at night here). As I stepped out, I immediately said, “Oh, Craig!” He was always a stargazer and taught me to recognize Orion, which was brilliant next to a quarter moon. I got a chair and cup of black cherry herbal tea and sat until the sun came up to the rooftops around 7:15.

About 8:30 after breakfast, I went to the clubhouse here in the subdivision and challenged myself to a round of pool/billiards. I sank all balls (8-Ball last) in about 15 minutes with only 4 scratches, so not bad for not having played in a long, long time! I then jumped in the swimming pool next door and came home for a nap. It all sounds very vacation-like, and yet my body feels even after the nap as if I’ve worked hard all day. I’m wondering how long it’s going to take to feel rested up from the last two years?

Love,
Susanne

Simple Pleasures - August 13, 2009

Continuing my sojourn in Venice, Florida (likely here until the end of September)...

I began this morning with the wondrous experience of a free and gentle group yoga session on Venice Beach with enough rain clouds over the ocean in front of us that a double rainbow formed and stayed throughout the one-hour session. Double rainbows are a symbol for me of love, marriage, and partnership, and Craig and I saw one together in June of 2008. Seeing this one was a touch of heaven (although unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me!). I swam in the ocean afterwards and let my salty tears of missing Craig blend with the greater body of saltwater. It was good to recognize that I didn’t have an ocean of tears within me to let out! It was good to swim by myself…and yet yesterday it was good to swim with a friend (I helped Raphaella at the age of 62 swim in the ocean for the first time – see her blog posting: http://heartfulart.blogspot.com/ - Aug. 12 posting; check out her art too, at http://www.heartfulart.com/lart.com/ – it’s wonderful) She, Craig, and I all met at the 2007 Smart Marriages Conference, where we both had booths, and she moved to Venice 10 months ago.

On my way home, I stopped at Yummies Bakery and savored the crisp, cinnamon-bursting, and juicy taste of a fresh apple fritter. It immersed me in memories of going to the apple farm with Craig. One of my concerns about coming to Florida to retreat was that there would not be enough triggers to help me express my grief and help me feel the joy of our marriage. So much for that!

Today I’ve seen new wildlife – sand hill cranes and my first armadillo ever (see photo). A rabbit visited me off and on all day in the front yard, too. I hear there are wild pigs and alligators in the neighborhood…I’m glad to meet the tamer wildlife instead!

The evening ended with a spontaneous trip to Scoops ice cream. I “kidnapped” Raphella and we indulged in homemade creaminess. I’m realizing that both because my nature is often “planner” vs. “spontaneity” and there were so many time strictures over the last two years with Craig, that I need to spread my wings a little in this area. So, it was fun. The sunset coming home from dropping her off was spectacular, although the photos I took were of the sky away from the sun and sunset on the east sky (see photos). Sometime soon I’ll go watch it at the beach (I’m on the west coast, so sunsets are the focus vs. sunrises), but doing that experience without Craig will mean more tears, and…not this evening.


I picked some flowers from the garden to bring in to lift my spirits at my desk. In front of my computer is a stylized sailing ship—Craig often dreamed of sailing on one of these.
(see photo)
So, it was a good day filled with loveliness, with a long nap in the middle!

Love,
Susanne

Manning the Oars - August 12, 2009

After my husband Craig transitioned from this physical world to the next stage of his soul’s journey, I talked to family members about whether to continue posting to the blog he and I had done for two years. The input was that I should stop doing so. For these last weeks, I have been writing Dear Craig letters in a journal instead.

There are aspects of this journey of grief and loss that are very personal and the private work of my soul. However, much of this process of change I can share. And, through an intuitive friend last week, Craig requested that I post occasional blog messages so that people who have followed our journey will know how I’m doing. I’ve decided to begin a new blog though instead of continuing to post to the one Craig started. The same friend also shared with me that Craig has been assigned the joyful task of being of direct service to me and those he loves for about the next year and that he is so happy to be able to continue his life-long journey of being of service to others.

The “boat ride” image of this blog came from a session I had with another intuitive friend who described my journey over the next few months as being like a boat on the ocean that will sometimes experience some very stormy seas. She assured me that the boat will not tip over, however! Alternatively, she also described it in pregnancy and births terms – as a fertile germination period in my life, and the birth will be in 9 months or so after Craig’s passing. This is also a nine-month Restoration Project for my energy!

It is my impression and observation that becoming widowed often makes people become non-functional. Through the grace of God and the help of many people, I feel more prepared for it than people often are, am rebellious enough to be unwilling to fall into a standardized pattern, and am confident that all of this is God’s will and that I have not “lost” Craig. As a family, we were all very “complete” with Craig’s passing, with little in the way of regrets or guilt. And yet, of course, there is unavoidable and necessary grieving.

Over this six weeks since Craig physically left me, my greatest challenges have been what I knew ahead of time would be difficult: learning how to communicate with him and adjusting to the absence of physical talking and touch. I’ve also struggled with physical exhaustion and learning how to release the grief…and how to recognize and allow occasional times of anger. Craig’s bedroom has been turned back into a prayer room, so when I’m there and wherever else I am, I’m learning to have intuitive conversations with him, ask for his help, and increase the amount of prayer and meditation I’m doing as points of connection. I’m grateful for the assistance of intuitive friends who help me get better glimpses of how and what Craig’s doing (and then, of course, I have moments of getting pissed off that they can communicate with him in ways that I can’t!).

The day after the graveside service on July 3rd, I drove to Toronto with my brother and sister-in-law to see my mother for a few days. On July 14th, I flew from Cleveland to Ft. Lauderdale to joyfully see my daughter pregnant (her constant nausea and Craig’s illness prevented our seeing one another for months). On July 16th, my granddaughter Giuliana was born via c-section, and I was able to stay for the first week of her life. The timing of Craig’s death allowed this all to happen, and I am grateful I could be there.

I was amazed at the constant tasks that follow someone’s death that I’ve tackled in these weeks as well. Thank you and personal acknowledgement notes (great for triggering necessary tears!), Social Security office, banking, life insurance claims, ordering the gravestone, visits to the cemetery, and on and on… My exhaustion from taking care of Craig simply increased.

My body, heart, mind, and soul needed time to stop and rest and recoup some level of energy as well as focus on the grieving process. So, I’ve left home for a few weeks to stay alone at a loaned home in Venice, Florida, close to the beach [any burglars reading this should know that someone is living at my home in Cleveland in my absence!]. So, I’m resting, beaching, swimming, reading, writing, painting, and whatever flows around for me to do. I have friends nearby when I need them, but I’m keeping social things at a minimum.

I’m going to close here with two things that have been very comforting to me as I learn how to have a marriage with Craig while he is physically absent. This is a story about ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s response to a grieving wife: “If you have a bed of lilies-of-the-valley that you love and tenderly care for, they cannot see you, nor can they understand your care, nevertheless, because of that tender care, they flourish. So it is with your husband. You cannot see him, but his loving influence surrounds you, cares for you, watches over you. They, who have passed into the Divine Garden, pray for us there, as we pray for them here.” (Lady Blomfield, The Chosen Highway, p. 215)

The second came from my session that I mentioned earlier that included the boat ride description: “Craig is surrounding you, not just near you, but surrounding you. The love that you have felt from him in your collective relationship is like a ball of light--it is protection for you, it is a continuum around you, it opens doors for you in the future when you need them. He is there. His resources are multiple and many and ready. And you need to know it.”

So, I cry and smile and watch the butterflies, dragonflies, and birds and see them as symbols of Craig’s flight to the Kingdom. There is no real separation between us and the separation is “temporary”…at least I’m doing my best to keep the faith that this is so!

Love,
Susanne