Summer and Autumn in Chattanooga, Tennessee

I arrived here in mid-May, renting a home next to the Chattanooga Bahá’í Faith Center. The weeks ahead of the transition were filled with sorting through and emotionally processing documents and memories of my life generally and of my life with Craig. I hadn’t moved in 12 years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere. I also did small and large workshops on Empowered Healing for cancer patients, caregivers, and medical staff in Cleveland and Steamboat Springs, Colorado. They were good…and I’m not sure whether to keep doing them, as they tie me back to Craig’s illness.

The house in Euclid stayed on the market all summer with little interest from prospective buyers, but I was able to sell it at the end of September. I did one last trip to the Cleveland area and said goodbyes to friends and our home. My last stop at the house was to give Craig’s framed paintings and poetry to Barbara Trauger-Querry as a gift for Hospice of the Western Reserve. She and I sat and prayed hand-in-hand in the prayer room, which was also where Craig passed. A fitting ending.

Since returning from Cleveland, one of the tasks I accomplished was finishing up Craig’s “The Journey” books, the story of his life and transformation told through poetry, paintings, and journal entries. I’ve now made them available to people through these web pages:
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store.htm (very bottom of the page)
http://www.bahaimarriage.net/aboutus.htm

I have (of course) thrown myself into all types of service to the Bahá’í community here in Chattanooga. It has felt blessed and wonderful to feel the energy around serving and teaching others about the Faith come back. I’m hosting and co-tutoring a Ruhi Book 1 Reflections on the Life of the Spirit study circle. I’m also hosting a devotional most Friday mornings. With living next to the Center, I’m often meeting with people and students who are looking for information. I’m also coordinating the Sunday morning devotions. So, staying busy!

I’ve become active in Toastmasters here and building relationships. I stopped job hunting and instead have been working to expand the Marriage Transformation business with the help of a personal and business coach. I re-connected with Johanna Wu, co-author of Marriage Can Be Forever—Preparation Counts, and we presented workshops for youth and young adults at the Tennessee Bahá’í School. I’ve been doing more coaching with individuals and couples globally via Skype, so getting more practice figuring out time zones with Australia, the UK, Africa, and the Middle East. I’m working with a local author/marriage educator helping him get a book in print with me as a contributing author. It will be the first time I’ve published someone else’s book. It’s all rewarding and frustrating and growing and changing. However, I definitely have moments of fussing at Craig for not being here to help with the details and spreadsheets!

A few weeks ago, John and I decided that marriage was not a wise choice for us. However, we kept on dating and talking daily for a few weeks. This past week we decided it was best to uncouple. So, still friends, with no nastiness, but not together. I’ve been sad, and it has all triggered quite a bit of grief and loss again, so a difficult stretch of time.

It is rare anymore for me to “feel” Craig’s presence. I got sad around the beginning of July – the third anniversary of his passing, but it didn’t last more than a few days. An exception with sensing Craig’s presence was a devotional/memorial gathering last week hosted by a widow at about the same stage as me – 3.5 years. It was a very emotional evening, but also very spiritual and supportive. I recently visited my daughter Jennifer and family in Fort Lauderdale, in part to meet my new granddaughter Theanna. I did call on Craig to help calm down all the crying of two young children!

All the changes and emotional challenges of the year have definitely had an effect on my health. Hormonal imbalances and weight loss. There are signs of it all calming down, and I hope this current transition with John doesn’t set me back.

I remember reading and hearing that the grief process can stay fairly active for 4 years after a husband passes. I thought that was a bit crazy – and here I am!

Much love to all,
Susanne
p.s. This area is wonderful for nature photography, which I post on Facebook from time to time. Nurtures my soul!  But here are a couple of lake sunrise shots for you with a heron, something that always reminds me of Craig.

The Dance of a New Relationship – January 26, 2012

A few weeks after Craig’s second anniversary, I began a relationship with John Massey, a Baha’i in Tennessee who I had talked to on the phone for a few months after we met online. We met in Tennessee in August when I went there on business. He came up to Cleveland for a long weekend in September. I came down to Chattanooga in October, November, and December. Then we decided long distance was too difficult for getting to know one another, so I’m now down in Chattanooga for approximately 3 months in an apartment that the local Baha'is helped furnish and equip for me. We are getting lots of comments and questions about why we aren’t living together!

This is yet one more thing that I didn’t expect to be quite so difficult. Laughing, spending time together out in nature, leading devotional meetings together, sharing meals, hugs, are all good and lovely things. What is challenging is the emotional letting go of Craig. Accepting all of what happened with him and that the outcome was not what he and I planned for our marriage still seems to be a bit stuck.

Sometimes I feel free to move forward, and sometimes I just feel a bit homeless and pulled between past and present. My body still frequently goes into emergency response mode, something that began with Craig’s diagnosis. I have to keep repeating to myself “This is not an emergency!”. I grappled this week with whether I needed to forgive Craig for abandoning me. Is that part of the acceptance process?!  How does one do these sorts of things – make a grand pronouncement:  “I FORGIVE YOU! I ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE ‘GONE’! I’M GOING FORWARD!” Ha, it doesn’t work that way!

John and I began to speak of marriage before I came down here to live. However, my body and my emotions didn’t deal with it very well. How does one have a marriage for all eternity with someone and not feel disloyal going forward with another person?! I haven’t figured that one out. I spent weeks trying to spiritually shut Craig out, sort of, and that felt wrong too. And how do I do a relationship and tell the Relationship Coach to take a rest?! And, we have just needed to take a slow-pace approach. John reminds me that there is no deadline to meet and just to relax. (I know, I can hear you all who know me well chuckling at that one!) I’m trying. He just keeps saying that he simply wants me (and him) to be happy. Sometimes I am; sometimes I’m just too tired.

I’m doing marriage work most days – getting books ready for printing, writing a new book about relationships, creating workshop handouts, taking lots of photographs, and still trying to figure out what to do with Marriage Transformation. I’ve got a marriage workshop at Green Acre Baha’i School in February, one at the Philadelphia Baha’i Center in April, and a cancer-related one in Colorado in May. However, the business is still not even close to supporting me, and Craig’s life insurance is winding down. There are loyalty issues here too – if I put the company/project on a back burner to simmer lightly, what does that say about the commitment Craig and I made by setting the company up? And, how do I get my 11-page Curriculum Vitae down to a 1-page resume! Yikes!

This past weekend when my apartment here wanted a 60-day notice to vacate, John and I began to grapple with whether I should move to milder-climate Tennessee, whatever happens with him and me; where to live down here; what to do about work and income; whether to sell the house in Euclid; can I be of effective service to the Baha’i community here; and more. The whole discussion triggered a major bout of grief. When I want to de-stress and simplify, major life choices kick me in the stomach. So, sleeping is random, and I’m wondering how to figure out the Will of God.

Chattanooga so far is a happy place. Time with John (and his dog Ziggy), service at the Baha’i Center, study circle (with more dogs!), meeting new people, great mountains/rivers/parks, sunshine, no snow, excellent pool at the YMCA (Laurie Cunningham stayed with me one weekend while down here for a meeting, too!). I’m feeling less and less connection and attachment to Ohio. And, God, where should I be?! Actually I’m getting better at “What feels right to me?” and less of the “shoulds”. But this one isn’t quite clear just yet.

I will appreciate your prayers as I continue to go through all these transitions that I think should happen so much faster than they are! There’s another one of those “shoulds”!  I’m gaining more and more knowledge about all of life being an organic process, and one that is nowhere near as linear as I thought. What a surprise to find out that life doesn’t always organize like a spreadsheet or worksheet or checklist! With that freedom, this week my laptop ended up on a picnic table at a lake one day, I played hooky from Toastmasters tonight, I’m taking artistic photographs for fun, and I have a library card down here now too. 

Enjoy the photos! (You can see more on Facebook...)

Love,
Susanne