The Essential Humility of Grief – December 25, 2010

In 2006 I asked God to teach me about humility, and of course there have then been lessons ever since. I’m a life-long know-it-all. I’m good at being right. I’m good at judging others…and myself…and knowing that we could be better, do it better, be closer to perfect. When I’ve been around people who were still grieving years after a loved one died, I thought there was something wrong with them. I showed sympathy and caring…and meant them, sort of. But still, I thought they must be doing something wrong to still be crying.


So, I thought I’d do it better. Grieve for a few months and be done with it. But it hasn’t been working. Oh, I’ve gone back to work and I’m being productive. But, I was angry at the cemetery the other day because Craig wasn’t there to place the wreath on the family plot. And I’m pissed off because he helped me heal from my first marriage and then left me in pain again. And I cried before Thanksgiving because he wasn’t going to his mother’s with me and there were no vitamins to pack up for him. And he should have been in line with me at the funeral home this week when his boss died.


There’s a burning pain in my chest where my mate used to be. My head sort of knows that he’s someplace good and tending me with all his super new powers, but sometimes it’s hard to have enough faith and trust to really believe that this is a good thing for him and me.


I stand in front of participants to teach them marriage skills and I talk about Craig and our marriage. Given the eternal nature of marriage, it’s so hard to know whether he’s present tense or past, or whether our marriage is present tense or past. And sometimes I’m present tense and he’s past tense and how do I talk about “us”! And then someone says that I’d better start referring to him as my late husband or I’ll never get a date. It’s all a bit disorienting and confusing. I once said that my first-marriage divorce was harder to go through than Craig dying. But the part after – I’m beginning to think that the dying is harder.


I’m scared I’m not good enough to support myself and the business. Some days I’m not sure whether I have what it takes to be in a new relationship. I’m reacting to the fear and pushing hard to fill my hours and days, but my body is saying it’s way too much pressure. So, now it’s itching all over and driving me crazy so I have no choice but to pay attention. How do I let all my organs rest and calm down? What do I do with the empty part of me? How do I fill it with God and not work? How do I stop judging myself as incompetent with grieving? Was there a manual that said how to do this? I know, I should write it!


Damn it there are better things to do with my time than to spend it grieving. Craig’s happy, he’s in a good place, why can’t I just be happy for him? Perhaps that the essence of humility. Admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to do this well, and I’m having difficulty being selfless and just being happy for him. I just can’t do this alone. It takes God Almighty to make those difficult choices of whose spouse gets to go and be an angel, and it takes God Almighty to hold me through this pain. And it will take God Almighty to forgive me and be merciful to me for my helplessness, and to help me see how to transform the sins of my rebellion and anger and pain into acceptance and goodly deeds. [This is from a new quotation I found a few weeks ago from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá: “Thy generous Lord will…forgive thy sins and transform them into goodly deeds. Verily He is the Forgiving, the Compassionate, the Lord of immeasurable grace.” SWA #141]


The joke is that there is no manual. No one grieves the same way so they tell me, so there is no right way. There’s just my path and my choices and my utter bafflement about how to do it “right”. Which brings me back again to humility. And being merciful to myself and asking God’s mercy on me and putting myself in Hands that are kinder to me than I ever am.


Photo of Vancouver, Canada, “English Corner” Discussion on Marriage, December 12, 2010

Transitions, November 4, 2010

I’m feeling moved to write tonight, to sort through the mix of emotions that have coursed through me lately.

A few years ago, Craig and I joined a Toastmasters group to improve our public speaking skills and to meet new people. We actively participated and in fact were chosen as group officers right before his diagnosis. That fall, I was so tired and stressed that I resisted going, but Craig was insistent that we go back after his recovery from surgery. And, he was so right. It helped very much to be in a supportive group, laugh with others, and to complete our achievement of becoming Competent Communicators.


Last week I did a 10-minute radio interview, which you can listen to at this link: http://healthpodcast.podbean.com/2010/10/30/happy-marriages-dont-happen-by-accident/  In listening to the recording, I heard an “ah” and “um” or two (something Toastmasters trains you to not do!). And, I’m giving a 45-minute keynote talk at a marriage conference in Vancouver on December 4th and a marriage workshop there the following weekend. So, it seemed like a good time to go back to Toastmasters for a brush up on my presentation skills. I deliberately went to a different group tonight though, one closer to home at the Euclid Library. I participated, even evaluating someone’s speech since the group was shorthanded. At the end, I made a commitment and signed up as a member. And then I cried all the way home. I heard Craig say he was glad I went back…and it just seemed so wrong to not have him there in person.


Another landmark – I went on a date last night. I’m now on match.com and eharmony.com, learning all about the joys and challenges of meeting people on line. And I’m definitely learning--what to do for safety, how to block my phone number, how to interact on email, phone, and in person and how different each method is. It was fun, and nerve-wracking, to be out with someone – we just met at a coffee house in Euclid. And, when he got physically close at the end of the night I was clear I wasn’t quite as ready as I thought I was to deal with it. We agreed not to meet again for a variety of reasons…but I’m glad that I did it. Craig said he’d help with finding me a new husband, but in the absence of a name, address, and phone number, here I go online. And I already have a notepad of lessons learned…


I notice that I’m struggling at times with feeling like I don’t quite fit. I’m doing all the things that are in front of me to do with work, Bahá’í community service, my finances, the dating services, etc. but I feel like I haven’t quite found my place in the world and still feel like I’m in the middle of a major transition. Which I suppose I am! It’s like I’m present and participating, but part of me is absent or not quite fully involved. It’s hard to describe. I am clear though that participating in each day is an act of courage and faith and doing my best with both.


Love,
Susanne

Completions and Creativity, September 4, 2010

Each stretch of time brings changes…I suppose that’s the nature of life!


The Bahá’í Grief Support Group wound up in August. We agreed to be “on call” for one another or others as needed, but its intense period of usefulness was over. The handouts from it are on one of my new websites, so they will be of ongoing value to others.

The hospital and hospice have both done group memorials in this last year that I chose to not attend. However, the Gathering Place, our cancer support center, held its “annual” memorial earlier this week, and Craig was included. It seemed right to go. I was grateful to have friends with me, Nik Tressler, Melodie Yates, and Janet Lyon. It was good not to be alone. I visited the healing garden there before the ceremony began, sitting and praying on a bench that Craig and I sat on together. The service included the opportunity for family to speak about their loved one. I somewhat tearfully expressed how glad I was to believe in life after death and know that Craig is still with me spiritually. I also spoke of his enduring power of example. While I spoke, Nik was able to visibly see Craig standing in support beside me.

Another completion in this period was Leah Farnsworth Izzard coming to sort through and clear out her boxes in the basement. Leah is Craig’s youngest daughter. So, now the house just has my own stuff, which I’m also occasionally (!) sorting through.

With some trepidation, I stepped in a new direction and posted my profile on www.twodoves.net, a matching service run for Baha’is. This is both a learning experience for me and also helping me feel open to future possibilities. Whoever Craig picked out as a possible husband for me hasn’t shown up yet, so I’m just staying observant!

I’m very focused on finishing about 10 eBooks, some new and some edited versions of previous material. You may recall that the consultation group from last December recommended this as a good place for me to put my energy. So, it’s progressing! I wrote one of the books in the weeks before Craig’s passing and read it aloud to him for agreement. It is called Empowered Healing, Creating Quality of Life While Journeying with Cancer and details Craig’s fact-based, spirit-guided approach and ways we applied it. As I do a final edit of it, I’m reflecting that I’m so grateful I wrote it then, not only so Craig was involved, but because I don’t think I could have written it now. Dr. Bernie Siegel, one of Craig’s inspirers, has provided this testimonial:

“There is a pattern to the personality of long-term survivors. They demonstrate action, wisdom, and devotion in their response to cancer and seek personal empowerment. Empowered Healing coaches and helps you to create a quality of life that gives your body the message to live. When you love your life, your body shows its love too.” ~ Bernie Siegel, M.D. best-selling author of Love, Medicine & Miracles, Faith, Hope & Healing and Help Me to Heal

One of the main tasks I accomplished in August was to create a website for more directly serving the relationship and marriage needs of the Bahá’í Faith community. They have always been a primary audience and customer base, but Marriage Transformation needs to be more focused on a general audience. So, now there is a site that combines http://www.bahaimarriage.net/ and http://www.bahairelationships.com/. It helped tremendously to have Talia Lindsley back as a volunteer for a few days in late July to get the process started, especially creating devotional meeting handouts on the topic of marriage.

My Bahá’í service locally is prompting me to spend many hours in meetings and taking notes, which is interesting and also physically challenging. I’m also doing lots of driving around the area and connecting and reconnecting with many people (see photo of me with Lakewood Baha’is). Last evening I went to a devotional in a beautiful garden setting (see photos) and was surprised to see a former colleague there as a guest. Fran Henry was the first editor (now retired) at the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper to give me a freelance assignment there. So, it was fun to catch up a bit. She is standing in the photo next to Rick Eastburn, our host.

So, overall, life is full, interesting, growthful, and keeping me learning all the time.

Love,
Susanne

Cleveland to Florida and Back Again – July 25, 2010

The anniversary of Craig’s passing on July 1st turned out to be fairly emotionally calm all-in-all. In the morning, I read back through the condolence messages and cards that came in on his passing. It was good to be reminded of everyone’s caring and support. Craig’s daughter Michelle, her daughter Karida, son David with wife Christina and son Aidan and I had lunch together. We then met Craig’s Mom, Lu, and sister Nancy with her husband Bob at the cemetery. Leah wasn’t able to be with us, but we read a message from her and relaxed and visited there in the beautiful sunshine together for awhile.


On July 5th, I drove with a very full car down towards Orlando, Florida. Here on my third trip south in a year, I was finally able to empty the basement of the last of my daughter Jennifer’s stored stuff! The stop in Orlando was from July 7-11 for the annual international Smart Marriages® and Happy Families Conference. Ten days before the conference, the director and I decided that nothing was working smoothly with my new book in the bookstore and that Craig must want me to have a booth! So, with a lot of scrambling, I assembled all the booth supplies and sold books in the exhibit area instead.


The conference was full of emotional moments: Frustration and annoyance at not having Craig to help schlep the boxes and suitcases all over the resort. Sadness at putting the “singles” sticker on my nametag. Tears along with expressions of sympathy and condolence and hugs from people I knew. And, happiness at selling quite a few books, meeting many of the experts who contributed to All-in-One Marriage Prep, and having people join me to help at the booth.

Amy Schwandes, a Bahá’í from Orlando that I’d not met before helped out as a volunteer on Thursday and contributed wonderful candy for booth visitors. My publisher, Jeff Schlesinger, and his wife Molly Barrow, one of the experts, also drove up from Naples to help man the booth for 2 days (see photos of them with me and of Jeff with me). With the help, I was able to attend a number of the workshops and keynote sessions, which was great. One of the best was a luncheon with all-women panelists making a research-based appeal for the woman’s movement to take on championing marriage and family as being good for women.

We held a contest at the booth for the person who got the most experts to sign their book. Winner was Judy McGraw, a family support person at the McGuire Air Force base. (pictured with me and Barbara Jenkins Spires, who provided The Couple Links game as one of the grand prizes http://www.couplelinksgame.com/).

After the conference ended, I spent two nights staying with Baha’is Katherin and Na’im Fananian in Orlando and presented a mini-workshop/information evening about marriage to 22 people. Very fun! (See photos of the group and me with Na’im)

Then on the 13th, on to Ft. Lauderdale/Plantation to stay with Jennifer, Frank, and granddaughter Giuliana for a few days. She walked independently for a few steps while I was there – a landmark moment. However, such adventurousness meant she was needing to be close to her mom and dad a lot, so Nana didn’t get to play with her as much as hoped . But, we did swim together, and I won points for finding a Pooh cup with a straw that she loved. I made her three books full of her photos along with stories for her real present though. We had an excellent birthday party for her the day after her birthday on July 17th. (See photos from this period of time)

Then, once again trekking home north. I have rarely felt lonely over this year, but it really began to hit me as I was traveling. Too many experiences where it would have been lovely to have a companion. I’m also experiencing some anger these days – too many decisions and plans to make without a partner to help. But, I’m coping one day at a time.


Two days after getting home, stress and overwhelm hit with a migraine. I chased it mostly off with home remedies but took it easier on Friday. Thanks to my mom for paying for a massage! Then yesterday was exhausting again. I’ve been appointed to a Bahá’í committed called the Area Teaching Committee, and there was training for the three of us as new members all day. Fatigue mingled with grief – so much of the day felt like a better fit for Craig than me – he loved processing data! Together with friends at the end I began crying and then leaked off and on most of the way home.


This morning was the grief support group in my home. It reassured me that all this emotional mix is very normal. While I think it ought to be done, it still surprises me, and my energy level isn’t what I want it to be. I go through periods of being very confident with work, and then totally questioning whether I can truly make a living at it. Confidence, faith, and fear keep rotating.


I have a lot of ideas and projects percolating, so creatively I’m back engaged. And…managing all the details is a challenge! One day at a time…


Love,
Susanne

Emerging from My Office, June 20, 2010

Wow, I haven’t posted anything for two months! The new book project turned out to be very huge and on a very tight deadline to be ready to launch at the Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Florida, on July 6th. It goes off to the printer tomorrow via my new publisher, Barringer Publishing. I signed the contract with them in Naples, Florida, on May 8 (see photo of Jeff Schlesinger and me). Jeff’s wife Molly Barrow is one of the experts in the book. You can see information about the book at www.allinonemarriageprep.com.

Jennifer, Frank, and Giuliana drove across to Naples the same day for a pre-Mother’s Day lunch and a visit to the children’s area of Barnes and Noble bookstore (see photo). I headed home to Cleveland the next day.

Through the very long and stressful days it took to put the book together, I kept asking Craig for help. One day I heard from one of the experts that he had just realized from my website that Craig had passed and wanted to donate the services of his Internet Marketing business in Craig’s honor to set up the book website and help with some marketing for no charge. I cried tears of gratitude…. (This was someone who did not know Craig or I before this project began.)

I’m getting good at these long drives – I’m amazed. I would have said I couldn’t do it. But I can, and I’m headed back driving down to Orlando on July 5 and from there to Ft. Lauderdale for granddaughter Giuliana’s first birthday. There are three major events in a row with lots of emotions associated with them, and so I’m on somewhat of a roller coaster these days. The first was Leah’s wedding on June 12th. To have Craig’s daughter married without him physically there was hard…for all of us. Lots of joy and tears. But she was beautiful and so was the wedding. They had a Baha'i ceremony, a Christian ceremony with an interfaith minister, and a "jumping the broom" ceremony. Leah charged me with relaxing and having fun, and I did both all weekend. (See photo of Leah and Moe Izzard with Leah's sister Michelle to the left and photo of my granddaughter Karida as one of the flower girls - on the right)

The second event coming up is the July 1 anniversary of Craig’s passing. He feels a bit more distant these days. I’m not sure whether that’s the right word or not, but often when I communicate with him, his responses aren’t as strong or clear. Some of the family will gather together on that day at the cemetery. It has helped me over last months to read a book called Hello From Heaven! about after-death communication. It’s amazing to me the variety of ways that those who have passed on do continue to communicate to loved ones for years and decades. This is comforting to me.

The third event is going to the marriage conference without him. We went together for a few years, and in 2007, Craig was so happy teaching hundreds of people who stopped by our booth the skill of honoring and acknowledging character qualities in a spouse. Three weeks later, he was in tumor-removal surgery. But I’m looking forward to the conference too – learning, reconnecting, and most of all selling the new book.


It took me 11 months to gradually give away Craig’s clothes to many people. I finally accomplished clearing his closet out. So, yesterday I reorganized all my clothes and moved some into it. There was a brief moment of sadness, but good to get the job done, too.


I’ve begun taking a Bahá’í training class about the Covenant – the measures taken throughout the history of the Bahá’í Faith to protect its unity and prevent division. It’s serious content but good to study with others. The goal is that I can then tutor sessions for others on the topic. I’m also participating in a Purpose-Driven Life group with an interfaith set of friends. The grief group I organized is also still meeting occasionally. So, I’m spending more time interacting comfortably with people again and not feeling quite so much need to hibernate.

I’ve been gluten-free now since mid-February and feeling much better and healthier as a result. I’ve lost 6 pounds in the last months, so feeling slim and trim too! Still swimming, although since returning from Florida I’ve not made it to yoga classes. I loved the ones on Venice beach! It was warm enough by the time I left to be able to swim in the ocean. I had a visit from a heron one day that seemed to stand vigil by me (see photo). Far fewer sightings of solo birds this trip. Saw lots of bunny rabbits though – symbols of moving ahead by leaps and bounds.

This is a very non-linear posting! Life feels like it’s backward, forward, and sideways all at once. But, mostly forward.


Love,
Susanne

Re-Visiting Venice, Florida, and Creating a New Book – April 21, 2010

In Cleveland, I was working long hours and getting exhausted. In Venice, I’m working long hours and still getting very tired. However, the blessing here is that I take breaks and go to the pool, the beach, and for lovely walks. I’m back doing yoga on Venice Beach either at sunrise or sunset, and I’m seeing the same massage therapist weekly. Everything is familiar, and dear friends are nearby.



Today is a Bahá’í Holy Day, which is a blessing, because I really needed a day off! I spent two hours at the beach, wading, taking a quick dip in the ocean (it’s cold this time of year). I took photos of pelicans in flight and a crab that wanted to keep dashing in and out of his hole. The wildlife felt like a mirror of my life right now. I’m peacefully spending time with more people (flock of pelicans) – the Bahá’í community in Sarasota, friends for meals, and I have two coaching clients here. However, I’m going in and out of my crab hole, too! (see beach photos)

The new marriage preparation book is going beautifully. It has been an enormous task – far more than I anticipated – to work with 50+ experts and edit their 100+ essays. I still have my own sections to write, too! My daughter, Jennifer, is providing administrative support for about 3 hours each week, thankfully. My editing skills, honed over years, have taken another leap forward in excellence with this project. I’ve loved the process, because it has included coaching the marriage experts in looking at how to use their specialties to apply to premarital couples. They have also allowed me to suggest content based on my own experience and knowledge gained over the years. As I edit, I feel as if I’m also going through my own personal process of completing and honoring my marriage with Craig, as well as going through marriage preparation for whatever happens in the future. (No, I haven’t met anyone, yet!)


It has been a gift to have two life/business coaching clients here in town. Working with them is giving me more understanding of how to incorporate character content into coaching. They are great people, and I love helping them move forward in their lives and cheering their successes.


The massages are beginning to unlock my body from the mess it was in on arrival. Joe says I wasn’t as bad as last summer, but I definitely had gotten my neck, back, and shoulders fused together in a stress-filled block. I’m back standing very straight and moving more freely. The sunshine down here is fabulous for uplifting my mood, and temperate enough this time of year that the windows are open all the time. The person covering orders for me and sending me my mail keeps asking me how my vacation is going…I definitely don’t feel like I’m on vacation, but it’s a great place to work!


I’m likely here through mid-May. The book needs to be about ready for layout before I leave – at least that’s my plan! I’m still on target to launch it at the July Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando (http://www.smartmarriages.com/).


To help me with transitioning out of grief mode, I moved to a different bedroom here at the Circlewood house. The master bedroom that I used last year is darker. The one I’m in now is filled with light, with bright furniture and bedding. There are still triggering moments, of course. Thinking ahead to being at Smart Marriages without Craig there in person is hard. But, as of today I’m stopping reading the daily grief book I’ve been using – it is beginning to feel like it’s pulling me backwards.

Craig and I still commune regularly though – perhaps we always will. I’m reading a wonderful book called Hello from Heaven, which is filled with first-person stories of people’s after-death communications with loved ones and how it helped them believe in life after death. I’m glad I began with that belief already in place, but it’s fascinating to see all the various types of communication that happen, and the stories are very touching and confirming.


Well, that about catches you all up!


Much love,


Susanne

Retreating to Florida – April 21, 2010

I cannot quite believe that it’s been 6 weeks since I posted a blog update! It feels as if I blinked and the time was gone!



Mid-March was a significant grieving time for me. My birthday was March 13th, and a day with many memories associated with Craig. On that day in 2009, it was the last time he was able to safely come up the stairs in our home and sleep in our bedroom. I spent the day quietly at home by myself, which turned out to be okay, especially since friends sent a beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers during the day. I’d crawled back into bed mid-day, and getting up to receive them turned the day around.


Over the following two weeks, because I had a new computer arriving, I spent hours reorganizing files from 3 computers, and began the difficult process of setting up the file arrangement just for me, and putting Craig’s documents in the background. Getting the new computer was a huge project and a significant stressor. New computer, new software, new file placement – very disorienting when I’m on the computer a lot. But, it’s beginning to feel more comfortable now.

The first day of spring was Naw-Rúz, a Bahá’í holy day. I went out for a community dinner at Li Wah Restaurant in Cleveland. (See photo of me (3rd from left) with friends)

The new marriage preparation book project got going very quickly, with many experts agreeing to participate. Four wanted to be interviewed, so I accomplished that before leaving for Florida on March 29th. I had the car filled to the brim, including another large load of Jennifer’s things from the basement (load 2 of 3). I had her child’s rocking chair to get in, so I traveled with it in the front, and my stuffed animals enjoyed the view. (See photo)

I drove for 8 hours each day and arrived in Ft. Lauderdale on the 31st, utterly exhausted from the weeks before. The best part of the trip was the ever-increasing signs of spring as I drove south. The daffodils on entering North Carolina brought me joy, and I stopped the next day and took photos of flowering trees in South Carolina. (See photo)

It was great to see Jennifer, Frank, and Giuliana. With Jennifer’s coaching, I took a few days to recover. The baby and I had a great time playing. She is learning to be a drummer, so her father already has plans for her to join his band when she is older. She especially loved my penguin, laughing at it, hugging it, and biting its beak! (See photos)

I arrived smoothly and thankfully in Venice on April 3, Easter weekend, a four-hour drive from Ft. Lauderdale, and crashed. More about Venice in the next posting (very soon!).


Love,


Susanne

Foundation for Transitions, March 9, 2010

First a brief news update: On February 14th, I had a lovely visit with my stepdaughter Michelle, her husband Hooman, and our granddaughter Karida. Karida spent the night by herself for the first time since Thanksgiving of 2007, so we had some fun. (see photo) The Bahá’í Grief Support Group met again on February 21st, and we were joined by Barbara Trauger-Querry, a Bahá’í who was also our art therapist through Hospice of the Western Reserve. She led us through expressive painting, which was great. On the 22nd, I had a lovely two-hour visit with my friend Brenda Hanks Maxwell Zografov while her husband Alex slept. They were driving from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Halifax, Nova Scotia via Cleveland while on the way back to their home in Bulgaria!

Michelle and Karida

I traveled to Chicago for the last weekend of February. I stayed with my friend Vicki (formerly Schmotzer) Carl in Evanston. We talked non-stop all weekend, got mistaken for being sisters, went shopping, went to a Bahá’í Ayyám-i-Há party, went to the Bahá’í House of Worship in Wilmette, watched a documentary about British royalty and Windsor Castle, and generally had a great time. (see photos)

Part of the reason for the trip to Chicago was to meet with Julie Walker, which I did for an intense 2-hour session on the 26th. It’s always hard to know quite how to describe Julie’s gift – medical intuitive, healer, psychic, spiritual guide, etc. Anyway, she has been an ongoing part of my journey, and it was time to connect. I taped the session and have 11 pages of handwritten notes from listening to it, so this will just be a brief summary!

We began by connecting with Craig, of course. She said his soul now is very refined – like a diamond with no coal left. He has an agenda and is very focused on bringing me towards what I need, having perceived that I have missed some things in my first two marriages. So, in addition to providing me with flashes of inspiration and getting me “spruced up” with divine assistance, he also wants me to find a new mate and actually has someone in mind (who I apparently don’t already know!). So, I’m being encouraged to be in openness mode, prepare myself, and experience whoever comes in my path! [Which prompted me to stop wearing my wedding and engagement rings…all of this sooner than I’d anticipated, and of course triggering some transition-related grief as well. And some resistance…which I’m working through… Julie commented that spirit is saying I need to find a new man but my body is saying, hell no! My heart is unsure and bruised, so I need a bit more time to acclimate to the idea.]

We spent a lot of time exploring my career path and what will bring stability and happiness. It is clear that staying in the relationship/marriage field is a great direction for me, and I’m now in the preparation stage for re-launching it. The books that are percolating will be excellent both for helping me become more systematic in my coaching approach and creating a constant flow of clients. I will be focusing on marriage preparation, marriage, and couples preparing for life after death and helping people connect with their souls to create successful, enduring matehood. The book project that has now launched of having marriage experts giving input on marriage preparation will be a vital piece in moving my career forward. [Thank you Craig for that flash of inspiration!]

Physically I’ve accomplished a huge amount of the recovery from the two years of caregiving and these eight months of grieving. However, there is still a challenge with fatigue, and Julie is indicating that I still need restoration time and downtime in the sun over the next couple of months, so I’m making arrangements to go back south again for awhile. This is to be a time of becoming autonomous from Craig and finding our own purposes and missions. He will always be available to me if I call on him, but we are moving towards our own lives. The intense period of grief is beginning to ease and will be helped to end by taking some more time off. Julie shared that I was carrying around a lot of fear in my chest about way too much and it’s causing some thymus gland swelling. So, I’ve been getting help to release the fears in the days since the session. Unfortunately, she confirmed that I need to be avoiding wheat, dairy, and sugar – all the fun foods!


So, more transitions in process, but some support and direction for going through them. I always appreciate the confidence and certainty that I gain through these sessions.

While I wait until housing in Florida opens up for me, I’m buried in book projects, shipping orders to customers, canceling out of various energy-challenging commitments, enjoying the 6th day in a row of sunshine in Cleveland, rejoicing because the green shoots of early flowers are coming up, going for walks, swimming, continuing to take an e-book marketing course, and occasionally remembering to breathe!

Much love,


Susanne

Florida Family Reunion, January 31-February 13, 2010

One of the blessings of the last months has been the birth of my granddaughter Giuliana, in part because it has prompted me to be in Florida with family more than might happen otherwise. With a little persuasion, my mother (Kay Muttart) was willing to abandon snowy and cold Toronto, Ontario, and join me this time. It was a good opportunity for a 4-generation photo. Grieving for me right now is in quiet mode, so that was good timing, too.

We rented a 2-bedroom home in a Ft. Lauderdale suburb that had a lanai, outdoor patios, and a heated swimming pool in the yard. Lovely space! Mom and I determined that we both felt better eating our own food than constant restaurant meals, so I was glad to find a Whole Foods grocery and Publix grocery 5 minutes away. The weather was mostly in the 60’s and 70’s, so a little “cool”, but overall great. We tracked the blizzards happening elsewhere and felt grateful to be where we were! I especially appreciated doing my morning prayers and eating many meals outdoors.

My sister Val and husband Hans from Alberta in western Canada were wintering in their RV home in south Florida at the same time as us. We’ve been disconnected from them for many years, so it was a great reunion and chance to catch up. We got to see the photos of their family and recent trips around the US and in Africa. [See photo of Val and Hans with Mom.]

Of course, we also spent considerable time with my daughter Jennifer, her husband Frank, and the baby. Giuliana decided Nana’s visit and Great-Grandma’s introduction were a good opportunity to show off new skills. She learned to sit up and began to creep quickly to any goal she could spot. So, we promptly bought child-proofing supplies! And Nana got some fun photos. We did quite a bit of other shopping for the baby, too…shopping always happens when we three females get together…now 4 of us! We also saw Frank’s mother Christine and his sister Fanya.

One day I was invited to Giuliana’s Mommy and me gym class, which was great fun. About 15 Mom’s (and 1 Dad) with their children 5-9 months old bouncing on the trampoline, going down a slide, swinging, playing with balls, riding on a small bike, and more, all accompanied by lively music and Miss Sue on high-speed. Wild!

I spent a bit of time at the beach, which was 10 minutes from the house. It was too cool to swim, but I waded and walked on the beach. I went down one morning for sunrise, something that Craig and I did whenever we were near a beach. So, it was communion time with him, too. And, of course I took photos!

It was an enjoyable time, if not totally restful. I worked some each day and acted as chauffer, cook, and housekeeper. Jennifer and I started on a new book together, with her acting as project leader. Mom and I spent one evening talking about religion with someone I’d met down there a few months ago. All-in-all it was a busy time and great simply to be together! Hard to come back to snowy Cleveland!

Love,
Susanne