Doing, Being, and Anger, September 6, 2009

(Note: You will find it more meaningful to read the previous posting on Being vs. Doing before reading this one.)

I was encouraged by knowledgeable and caring people to spend my time in Venice emptying the vessel of grief, not get intellectual about it, cry, feel the loss, experience the anger and get it out with physical action, reflect, stay away from morbid/unhealthy thoughts, do “sweet” reading, stay as fluid as possible, follow my needs, be nurturing, stay out of action mode, be kind to myself, eat what works, immerse myself in creativity (including writing)… It’s actually a pretty tall order (dare I say to-do list?!)! I think for the most part I’ve been successful at all of this though.

But, some times I notice that I’ve slipped into getting things done and done now, going from one activity to the next, or looking for diversions. Saturday was a day like that. I got up and had to go to the pool to swim and be done by a certain time so I could get to the Venice Craft Fair by about 10 a.m. before it got too hot. On the way home, I got thinking about maybe I should run around the state and visit people all the rest of the long weekend. And then I drove past a neighbor at 15 miles over the speed limit and she used hand motions to tell me to SLOW DOWN! Okay, so I was in need of the message!

I made myself sit down at home and really check in with how I was feeling. Humph, it didn’t take long for my favorite “emotion to avoid” to arise. So, I did artwork (see photo) entitled “There Are Times When Anger Needs a Voice” followed by the poem below.

Giving Anger a Voice

There are times when anger needs a voice
But why be angry, it seems so pointless
Just disrupts my moments of serenity and joy

And yet, it’s not yet time to let go of it
It’s useful in accepting, nudging me to feel
How could you? I’m affronted!

You, of all people knew what all I’d done
To recreate myself a scant handful
Of years before and now this?!

To ask me, no tell me, no choices given
To begin again to find my place in life
To learn and try to be anew again?

I keep saying I’m pissed off
Anger not an emotion I’m wont to claim
Damn it, damn it, damn it

I pace, I race, I DO, DO, DO
And yet the anger just won’t let me BE
I hide, I smile, I ride, I hide again

But then I have to hit or punch
Or slash in bright red marker
To let the tension in my belly out

I’m mad, not glad, and some sad, too
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I kick and fuss, whine and moan

For a while I can be spiritual and strong
This is God’s will, and I’m grateful
I smile, I laugh, and I’m okay

But then in some middle of the day
When I’m doing, doing, doing and having fun
The being police arrive and yell
You’re forgetting to BE, just stop awhile

I’m tired of thinking, I’m resisting being
I just want everything to be back to normal
There’s something wrong here, it’s not right

My head goes round and round
Until I feel like a coil about to break
I’m exhausted from trying to figure it all out

Should I be there, should I be here
Should I do that, should I do this
Should I, should I, should I?

How do I shut off my mind?
I’ve trained it well to think, think, think
I’m the queen of lists and analysis

I’m playing a game of saying no lists
When my desk is strewn with reminders
On scraps and scraps of bright yellow paper

Do I go, do I stay, do I run, do I stop?
I can’t even stop all the questions
I don’t want to wait for the answers

And having to wait for the answers
Makes me feel pissed off!
Again and again and again.

So, here I am again – angry at nothing
Just Craig, and God, and life
Well, maybe that’s something, I guess

~ Susanne Mariella Alexander, 9-5-09

I really do commune with Craig, God, and life on a positive, loving, spiritual plane a lot of the time, I swear! But I guess that’s not coming out as poetry at the moment…sigh.

Thanks for listening,

Love,
Susanne