The Dance of a New Relationship – January 26, 2012

A few weeks after Craig’s second anniversary, I began a relationship with John Massey, a Baha’i in Tennessee who I had talked to on the phone for a few months after we met online. We met in Tennessee in August when I went there on business. He came up to Cleveland for a long weekend in September. I came down to Chattanooga in October, November, and December. Then we decided long distance was too difficult for getting to know one another, so I’m now down in Chattanooga for approximately 3 months in an apartment that the local Baha'is helped furnish and equip for me. We are getting lots of comments and questions about why we aren’t living together!

This is yet one more thing that I didn’t expect to be quite so difficult. Laughing, spending time together out in nature, leading devotional meetings together, sharing meals, hugs, are all good and lovely things. What is challenging is the emotional letting go of Craig. Accepting all of what happened with him and that the outcome was not what he and I planned for our marriage still seems to be a bit stuck.

Sometimes I feel free to move forward, and sometimes I just feel a bit homeless and pulled between past and present. My body still frequently goes into emergency response mode, something that began with Craig’s diagnosis. I have to keep repeating to myself “This is not an emergency!”. I grappled this week with whether I needed to forgive Craig for abandoning me. Is that part of the acceptance process?!  How does one do these sorts of things – make a grand pronouncement:  “I FORGIVE YOU! I ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE ‘GONE’! I’M GOING FORWARD!” Ha, it doesn’t work that way!

John and I began to speak of marriage before I came down here to live. However, my body and my emotions didn’t deal with it very well. How does one have a marriage for all eternity with someone and not feel disloyal going forward with another person?! I haven’t figured that one out. I spent weeks trying to spiritually shut Craig out, sort of, and that felt wrong too. And how do I do a relationship and tell the Relationship Coach to take a rest?! And, we have just needed to take a slow-pace approach. John reminds me that there is no deadline to meet and just to relax. (I know, I can hear you all who know me well chuckling at that one!) I’m trying. He just keeps saying that he simply wants me (and him) to be happy. Sometimes I am; sometimes I’m just too tired.

I’m doing marriage work most days – getting books ready for printing, writing a new book about relationships, creating workshop handouts, taking lots of photographs, and still trying to figure out what to do with Marriage Transformation. I’ve got a marriage workshop at Green Acre Baha’i School in February, one at the Philadelphia Baha’i Center in April, and a cancer-related one in Colorado in May. However, the business is still not even close to supporting me, and Craig’s life insurance is winding down. There are loyalty issues here too – if I put the company/project on a back burner to simmer lightly, what does that say about the commitment Craig and I made by setting the company up? And, how do I get my 11-page Curriculum Vitae down to a 1-page resume! Yikes!

This past weekend when my apartment here wanted a 60-day notice to vacate, John and I began to grapple with whether I should move to milder-climate Tennessee, whatever happens with him and me; where to live down here; what to do about work and income; whether to sell the house in Euclid; can I be of effective service to the Baha’i community here; and more. The whole discussion triggered a major bout of grief. When I want to de-stress and simplify, major life choices kick me in the stomach. So, sleeping is random, and I’m wondering how to figure out the Will of God.

Chattanooga so far is a happy place. Time with John (and his dog Ziggy), service at the Baha’i Center, study circle (with more dogs!), meeting new people, great mountains/rivers/parks, sunshine, no snow, excellent pool at the YMCA (Laurie Cunningham stayed with me one weekend while down here for a meeting, too!). I’m feeling less and less connection and attachment to Ohio. And, God, where should I be?! Actually I’m getting better at “What feels right to me?” and less of the “shoulds”. But this one isn’t quite clear just yet.

I will appreciate your prayers as I continue to go through all these transitions that I think should happen so much faster than they are! There’s another one of those “shoulds”!  I’m gaining more and more knowledge about all of life being an organic process, and one that is nowhere near as linear as I thought. What a surprise to find out that life doesn’t always organize like a spreadsheet or worksheet or checklist! With that freedom, this week my laptop ended up on a picnic table at a lake one day, I played hooky from Toastmasters tonight, I’m taking artistic photographs for fun, and I have a library card down here now too. 

Enjoy the photos! (You can see more on Facebook...)

Love,
Susanne