Sadness and Shells, September 9, 2009

The anger with Craig’s death has surprised me, but the sadness has not. It comes and goes in intensity. The last few days have been calm and peaceful with book writing, sunrises, some editing for our kids, and light socializing. I stretched out last night and went to a larger Bahá’í meeting in Sarasota. I simply introduced myself as a friend of Roger and Shirley’s who was visiting from Cleveland. So, there were no emotional moments about why I was here…just lovely spiritual and friendly space. A little mild anxiety ahead of time, but to my relief no panic attack to stop me from going this time.

My dreams last night were full of sadness, though…about Craig initially and then another one that was about my daughter’s father having cancer (not true). I slept later than usual and awoke out of sorts. My email brought me the news that yet another family member of one of my family and friends cancer support group had passed (3 in three weeks).

I needed to take my sadness and be at the beach, so I grabbed supplies for a portable breakfast and headed to Casperson, the wildest beach locally. “My” heron was there and a dragonfly was present by my head as soon as I sat down, flying to and fro very close near me for a long time. It made me say “hi Craig!” We often commune, and in my heart/head I heard him say he loves flying and was glad to be with me. And, I teased him about never moving slowly or staying still…just like in life!

I had a lovely time collecting shells for our granddaughter Karida. After swimming, I was delighted to see a small tortoise for the first time. It seemed appropriately symbolic for me emerging from my shell! And all of that had me sitting and writing some more poetry:

The Shells of Life

Like I, the tortoise sticks her head
Out of her protective shell
Bravely venturing forth
Into a world of sand and surf and life

Each shell I gather reminds me
Of the sea of living life
Some whole and full of beauty
Some broken, battered, worn
Some beautiful on the inside
And plain on the outside
Some colorful on the outside
And plain on the inside
Some full of color inside and out

Each shell is unique
Each contributes to the richness of the sand
And each formerly held life
Like the memories of those we love or loved
Strewn across the sands of time
~ Susanne Mariella Alexander

As I began to leave the beach, my cellphone rang. It was Dave, my stepson, calling with “bad news”. His cancerous brain tumor that was removed a few months before Craig’s was diagnosed in 2007 has recurred. Oh God, this sucks! And more sadness in my heart. He’s had scans every 3 months and they have been clear. Now surgery looks imminent and life has another change and adventure. As he has been throughout, Dave is calmly confident that he will beat this and be fine. I appreciate his optimism…reminds me of his Dad. And the outcome will be whatever the outcome will be. The prayer circle has begun…guiding him through the second opinion and whatever the choices are to be made. We invite you to pray with and for our extended family, including Dave, his wife Christina, and their two-year old son Aidan.

I asked Craig how he feels about what is happening to Dave. He says he’s sad…and he couldn’t prevent it…there are greater forces at work. All he can do is be with all of us. He’s glad I cried on the beach even though he couldn’t. I’m reminded of a Bahá’í quotation that recurs often for me, “O My servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain.” (Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings, p. 329) And, still, we sorrow!

Love,
Susanne