In the fall of 1997, I was recently divorced and my job of shipping chemicals had ended at BP. I held a consultation at that time about where I should live and what I should do. The group recommended staying in Cleveland and becoming a writer. My life made a dramatic turn from that time on. (BTW, coincidentally, Craig was one of the attendees, when there was nothing romantic between us.) Now faced with new major choices in my life, I decided to request another group convene at my home. I was amazed and delighted to discover that I had considerably more people qualified to participate than I had need of or space for. We ended up with eight of us (nine including Craig).
This is the guidance from the Bahá’í Writings that we followed: “The question of consultation is of the utmost importance, and is one of the most potent instruments conducive to the tranquility and felicity of the people. For example, when a believer is uncertain about his affairs, or when he seeketh to pursue a project or trade, the friends should gather together and devise a solution for him. He, in his turn, should act accordingly. Likewise in larger issues, when a problem ariseth, or a difficulty occurreth, the wise should gather, consult, and devise a solution. They should then rely upon the one true God, and surrender to His Providence, in whatever way it may be revealed, for divine confirmations will undoubtedly assist.”(‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Consultation, pp. 96-97; Fire & Gold, p. 270)
It takes me a lot of courage to lay out my finances and circumstance and invite input. The group was loving and respectful as I cried, shared the status on the Marriage Transformation Project, and explored possibilities for earning an income with them. They recommended that I not put the house up for sale yet, but re-evaluate this choice next summer. And they gave me some guidelines for the next few months, including finding part-time work and what projects made sense to tackle for the project. They also recommended some additional support for grieving. I feel blessed by their friendship and support, as well as some help in determining the new directions in my life.
Love,
Susanne
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Comings and Goings, November 2009
I started out November very focused on trying to get everything done around the house and with Craig’s affairs. I had applied to serve at the Bahá’í World Centre in Israel and wondered whether I’d have to move on short notice. I was mentally in moving mode. But, they’ve decided it’s not the right time for me to come, so I’m breathing a bit in relief and backing off on pushing so hard. And, of course, still trying to figure out what I should be doing and where I should be!
I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.
I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.
My stepdaughter Michelle came to town for a couple of days and her brother Dave came over, too. I’ve got about 25 boxes of books that I’ve taken off of our 10 bookcases, trying to downsize, and they got first choice of their contents. And the bookcases are still holding a lot of books! As I sort through possessions, grief at times blindsides me – holding Craig’s glasses and combs was hard. Praying for the progress of his soul helps…
For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.
On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.
I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.
Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:
Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home
I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.
Love,
Susanne
For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.
On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.
I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.
Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:
Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home
I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.
Love,
Susanne
Saturday, October 31, 2009
A Little Too Busy, October 31, 2009
Well, I haven’t written in a couple of weeks, which probably tells those of you who know me well that I overloaded the to-do list! I’m in slower mode today, resting up a bit, and listening to a great set of tapes on relationship intimacy.
I’ve been tackling the piles of file boxes that Craig and I have accumulated over the last 10 years, as well as those from freelance writing the two years before we married. Thankfully, a young, strong friend (John-Mark Wortham) came over and hauled them out of storage for me. I’ve now filled up over a dozen trash bags and shredded piles of documents, and he hauled them to the curb for me. And, there are more boxes to go!
On the 17th, a crew of friends came and dismantled Craig’s wheelchair ramp and took it to a non-profit for re-constructing into a ramp for someone else. The re-use is something that would make Craig happy. Nik Tressler, his son Eric, John Cunningham, and George Eaton put in a few hours on the job. A blessing, but also an emotional moment to see one more thing connected to Craig gone. I’ve now planted grass where it used to stand. And trimmed all the trees and bushes that John didn’t do that day.
I’ve attended bereavement meetings twice, once at Hospice and once at The Gathering Place. I’m glad to have the support of others in this process, but still uncertain just how helpful these groups are to me. I’m having times of sadness, of course, but some people still seem so stuck in grief after years have gone by, and I just don’t want to be in that space. My mother was in town for 5 days from Toronto, and that was helpful. She and I watched the DVD of Craig’s funeral and graveside services together, her for the first time (she wasn’t able to be at the funeral). I shed a few tears, but it was also helpful to re-visit the experience (and interesting to see all that was happening behind me, as I was in the front row!). Mom and I did quite a bit of shopping while she was here, too! And she attend our spiritual study circle, which resumed for the first time since I returned from Florida. A lovely evening…
Many house repairs are underway. Craig’s sister Nancy and brother-in-law Bob were here on the 25th. Bob replaced one of my bedroom windows and started replacing the storm door in front. Neighbor Frank Rodgers continued the process by finishing the door and installing a new porch light and mailbox. There is still quite a bit of painting to do after I get the house de-cluttered. All of this is intended to ready the house to go up for sale in February – at least that’s the current plan! And no, I don’t know where I’m going yet, although making suggestions to God and Craig and taking steps!
I’ve spent hours doing the completion process on Craig’s life, taking him off of bank accounts and credit cards, canceling his membership in a dozen different things, taking him off of mailing lists, and transferring his frequent flyer miles to my cards. It’s amazing what all he was involved in! I’ve sold his grill to a friend of his, so I spent time cleaning that up from two years of sitting idle.
Work is slowly resuming. I’m book writing and began coaching a new relationship client this week. I’ve committed to speak at a marriage conference in Vancouver in November while there visiting my Dad and stepmother. I’ve put all the books on inventory clearance sale, and got a newsletter out yesterday to our subscribers for the first time since January, thanks to assistant Joyce Ashman. Yesterday I met for the second time with financial planners, who ran through with me how to support myself from now to age 93! It was a bit overwhelming, but good to see how to work out supporting myself that long. I just have to work making approx. $30,000/year from age 55 to age 76 to make the plan work (or live in a cave). Yikes! Part of the challenge for me is figuring out how the marriage project now fits in my life as a widow, particularly since it has never run at a profit, and most of its funding supports have ended. And yet, the need for relationship and marriage education in the world has by no means stopped! So, praying, seeking guidance, and we’ll see what happens.
I’ve been doing yoga, swimming, and walking (forcing myself too much!). The photos of the fall colors are from my walks near our home.
Love,
Susanne
I’ve been tackling the piles of file boxes that Craig and I have accumulated over the last 10 years, as well as those from freelance writing the two years before we married. Thankfully, a young, strong friend (John-Mark Wortham) came over and hauled them out of storage for me. I’ve now filled up over a dozen trash bags and shredded piles of documents, and he hauled them to the curb for me. And, there are more boxes to go!
On the 17th, a crew of friends came and dismantled Craig’s wheelchair ramp and took it to a non-profit for re-constructing into a ramp for someone else. The re-use is something that would make Craig happy. Nik Tressler, his son Eric, John Cunningham, and George Eaton put in a few hours on the job. A blessing, but also an emotional moment to see one more thing connected to Craig gone. I’ve now planted grass where it used to stand. And trimmed all the trees and bushes that John didn’t do that day.
I’ve attended bereavement meetings twice, once at Hospice and once at The Gathering Place. I’m glad to have the support of others in this process, but still uncertain just how helpful these groups are to me. I’m having times of sadness, of course, but some people still seem so stuck in grief after years have gone by, and I just don’t want to be in that space. My mother was in town for 5 days from Toronto, and that was helpful. She and I watched the DVD of Craig’s funeral and graveside services together, her for the first time (she wasn’t able to be at the funeral). I shed a few tears, but it was also helpful to re-visit the experience (and interesting to see all that was happening behind me, as I was in the front row!). Mom and I did quite a bit of shopping while she was here, too! And she attend our spiritual study circle, which resumed for the first time since I returned from Florida. A lovely evening…
Many house repairs are underway. Craig’s sister Nancy and brother-in-law Bob were here on the 25th. Bob replaced one of my bedroom windows and started replacing the storm door in front. Neighbor Frank Rodgers continued the process by finishing the door and installing a new porch light and mailbox. There is still quite a bit of painting to do after I get the house de-cluttered. All of this is intended to ready the house to go up for sale in February – at least that’s the current plan! And no, I don’t know where I’m going yet, although making suggestions to God and Craig and taking steps!
I’ve spent hours doing the completion process on Craig’s life, taking him off of bank accounts and credit cards, canceling his membership in a dozen different things, taking him off of mailing lists, and transferring his frequent flyer miles to my cards. It’s amazing what all he was involved in! I’ve sold his grill to a friend of his, so I spent time cleaning that up from two years of sitting idle.
Work is slowly resuming. I’m book writing and began coaching a new relationship client this week. I’ve committed to speak at a marriage conference in Vancouver in November while there visiting my Dad and stepmother. I’ve put all the books on inventory clearance sale, and got a newsletter out yesterday to our subscribers for the first time since January, thanks to assistant Joyce Ashman. Yesterday I met for the second time with financial planners, who ran through with me how to support myself from now to age 93! It was a bit overwhelming, but good to see how to work out supporting myself that long. I just have to work making approx. $30,000/year from age 55 to age 76 to make the plan work (or live in a cave). Yikes! Part of the challenge for me is figuring out how the marriage project now fits in my life as a widow, particularly since it has never run at a profit, and most of its funding supports have ended. And yet, the need for relationship and marriage education in the world has by no means stopped! So, praying, seeking guidance, and we’ll see what happens.
I’ve been doing yoga, swimming, and walking (forcing myself too much!). The photos of the fall colors are from my walks near our home.
Love,
Susanne
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sorting Through Things, October 14, 2009
I’m targeting putting our home on the market in February. That, plus a general need to downsize and organize, has me beginning the process of sorting through and identifying things to go elsewhere. Some things will go to family or friends, some sold, some given or thrown away. But the process, of course, triggers emotions.
I visited my mother-in-law in Pennsylvania this week. It was our first seeing one another since Craig’s funeral. She is also sorting through her home and getting ready to move into an independent living facility. So, we are both somewhat living in the befuddlement of “What do I do with this stuff?!”
My philosophy is that when befuddled, write poetry, so here it is:
Stay or Now Go?
I rock in your chair, and lay in our bed
I sleep with your shirt on, your jacket nearby
I wander the rooms, touching the dreams
Of a beautiful life we once led
I hold in my hands the things you once touched
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the intimate wear
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the books you once read
And ask do they stay or now go?
Some things are easy, a moment of thought
Some things are hard, and wake me at night
Some things are…just things
Some have layers of memory
Some mean more to others, and less to me
Are these things you? Are they me?
Perhaps yes and yet no
And I ask do they stay or now go?
When you live in my heart in permanent estate
Do the things even matter? Do they stay or now go?
Does some of you linger on all of these things
How much do I hold, do I care?
Some day they’ll be dust, irrelevant, gone
It’s your life that must matter, not things
And yet, there is comfort, though bittersweet tears
When I touch what you touched, and wear what you wore
They do bring you close, help me feel you nearby
So, I’ll choose at least some of the things to now keep
~ Susanne Mariella Alexander, October 14, 2009
This, too, shall pass…
Love,
Susanne
I visited my mother-in-law in Pennsylvania this week. It was our first seeing one another since Craig’s funeral. She is also sorting through her home and getting ready to move into an independent living facility. So, we are both somewhat living in the befuddlement of “What do I do with this stuff?!”
My philosophy is that when befuddled, write poetry, so here it is:
Stay or Now Go?
I rock in your chair, and lay in our bed
I sleep with your shirt on, your jacket nearby
I wander the rooms, touching the dreams
Of a beautiful life we once led
I hold in my hands the things you once touched
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the intimate wear
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the books you once read
And ask do they stay or now go?
Some things are easy, a moment of thought
Some things are hard, and wake me at night
Some things are…just things
Some have layers of memory
Some mean more to others, and less to me
Are these things you? Are they me?
Perhaps yes and yet no
And I ask do they stay or now go?
When you live in my heart in permanent estate
Do the things even matter? Do they stay or now go?
Does some of you linger on all of these things
How much do I hold, do I care?
Some day they’ll be dust, irrelevant, gone
It’s your life that must matter, not things
And yet, there is comfort, though bittersweet tears
When I touch what you touched, and wear what you wore
They do bring you close, help me feel you nearby
So, I’ll choose at least some of the things to now keep
~ Susanne Mariella Alexander, October 14, 2009
This, too, shall pass…
Love,
Susanne
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Visiting and Transitioning, October 10, 2009
My, I’ve gotten a bit behind in writing! On the way home from Venice, I stopped in Dayton to see my stepdaughter Michelle, son-in-law Hooman, and granddaughter Karida. We had a lovely visit. Michelle honored her father at a Bahá’í Feast meeting held at her home, bringing us both to tears. Karida enjoyed Nana’s presents, including a large box of shells for her to play with and share with friends and family. I wrote her a couple of times from Venice, including sending her a copy of Grampa’s music CD (see photo). She and I also enjoyed playing dressup together. Hooman blessedly worked on my car, touching up the paint, waxing it, and installing new brake rotors. So, busy weekend.
Entering my home again had a few emotional moments, especially going back into the prayer room that had been used as Craig’s bedroom. It helped to have visitors. My friends Brenda Maxwell Zografov and her husband Alex stopped by on their way from Bulgaria to Canada, which was a lovely treat. My sister-in-law Nancy and her husband Bob also came for a quick visit and shared my homemade chicken soup.
I’m settling back into home, which of course means making to-do lists again after not doing them in Venice! They are long ones! I’m clearing out things in the house, beginning to work again, getting over a cold, making tentative future plans, and praying a lot for guidance.
Love,
Susanne
I’m settling back into home, which of course means making to-do lists again after not doing them in Venice! They are long ones! I’m clearing out things in the house, beginning to work again, getting over a cold, making tentative future plans, and praying a lot for guidance.
Love,
Susanne
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Farewell to Venice, 9-22/23-09
After being in Florida for about 6 weeks resting, grieving, writing, and having fun, it felt like time to head back north to Ohio. I delayed for a day, because my planned route was through Atlanta, which was under a deluge of rain and floodwater everywhere. And then planned a different route…
On my last day, Shirley Bascom and I visited the Audubon bird sanctuary. Few birds this time of year, but still lovely. We then headed over to the citrus farm for delicious soft ice cream cones. In the evening, Rafaella and I picked up food and headed to the Venice jetty to watch a spectacular sunset and spot dolphins. A wonderful ending to my visit.
On the 23rd, I headed north to Gainesville to meet Mary Jane (Barbee) Volkmann, who helped my husband Craig with becoming a Bahá’í in Hiram, Ohio, decades ago. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a photo of her, but she is a wonderful artist, and you can see her and her paintings on her website, www.maryjanevolkmann.com/artist.htm. We had a lovely visit and then met another friend for dinner, Lynn Weir from Canada. I spent the night at Lynn’s home. Fun to reconnect.
I made it to Dayton by the 25th, where my stepdaughter Michelle and her family live, so smooth travel and easy drive. I asked Craig to hold an umbrella over the car on the trip north to protect me from rains, especially in the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia, and felt blessed to have only occasional light sprinkles. The grey skies sure made me wish for Florida sunshine though!
Enjoy the photos!
Susanne
On my last day, Shirley Bascom and I visited the Audubon bird sanctuary. Few birds this time of year, but still lovely. We then headed over to the citrus farm for delicious soft ice cream cones. In the evening, Rafaella and I picked up food and headed to the Venice jetty to watch a spectacular sunset and spot dolphins. A wonderful ending to my visit.
On the 23rd, I headed north to Gainesville to meet Mary Jane (Barbee) Volkmann, who helped my husband Craig with becoming a Bahá’í in Hiram, Ohio, decades ago. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a photo of her, but she is a wonderful artist, and you can see her and her paintings on her website, www.maryjanevolkmann.com/artist.htm. We had a lovely visit and then met another friend for dinner, Lynn Weir from Canada. I spent the night at Lynn’s home. Fun to reconnect.
I made it to Dayton by the 25th, where my stepdaughter Michelle and her family live, so smooth travel and easy drive. I asked Craig to hold an umbrella over the car on the trip north to protect me from rains, especially in the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia, and felt blessed to have only occasional light sprinkles. The grey skies sure made me wish for Florida sunshine though!
Enjoy the photos!
Susanne
Monday, September 21, 2009
Field Trips – Naples and Sarasota, Sept. 19-20, 2009
With winding up my time in south Florida, it was time to see family again before leaving. On Saturday, Jennifer, Frank, and Giuliana drove across from Ft. Lauderdale area and I drove south, so we met in Naples. We spent time at the Naples Zoo (with Ms. G. sleeping in the stroller the whole time) and then went for comfort food at Bob Evans. It’s not available on the other coast, and Jen and Frank were missing it!
On Sunday, Raphaella and I did an excursion to a beach that was new for both of us on Lido Key off the coast of Sarasota. Miles of beach, piles of shells, beautiful blue water…wonderful swimming among the fish. John Ringling (of circus fame) established a high class shopping area nearby in the 20’s called St. Armand’s Circle. So, we stopped and ate lunch there after swimming.
Love,
Susanne
p.s. My stepson Dave's surgery on Friday went smoothly and he was discharged on Sunday.
On Sunday, Raphaella and I did an excursion to a beach that was new for both of us on Lido Key off the coast of Sarasota. Miles of beach, piles of shells, beautiful blue water…wonderful swimming among the fish. John Ringling (of circus fame) established a high class shopping area nearby in the 20’s called St. Armand’s Circle. So, we stopped and ate lunch there after swimming.
Love,
Susanne
p.s. My stepson Dave's surgery on Friday went smoothly and he was discharged on Sunday.
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