Comforts – August 31, 2009

It’s been an interesting couple of days, watching what happens to me emotionally when I try to firmly schedule things instead of just letting them flow – anxiety and stress. I tried to go to a large devotional meeting in Sarasota on Sunday and woke up in the middle of the night before with a panic attack. (Followed by being very pissed off that it happened!) I still cannot do big groups, especially ones where I know I’ll have to say over and over again why I’m down here. I am deliberately working on accepting Craig’s death by saying to people who ask me why I’m here, “My husband died on July 1 of brain cancer, and I’m here resting and grieving.” But that’s once every few days or so to random strangers at the club house pool, not 15 times in one meeting. I’ve asked myself would it be any better walking into a meeting at home where I know everyone and realizing that would be difficult too. Maybe worse, because there the question would be “How are you doing?”

I’ve been reflecting on all the things that I’m doing to be gentle and comfort myself during this difficult time. So, I’ll share some of them in this posting. It’s helpful having friends down here who are just letting me do whatever I need to do and say whatever is on my mind. Conversations with Jennifer and Michelle (daughter/stepdaughter) help, too. I sleep at night in Craig’s t-shirts next to his fuzzy jacket. I have a prayer area set up with a few things from the prayer room at home, a candle, a bowl of shells from the beach that I keep adding to, and photos of Craig and the grandkids. I’m eating well (yes, Mom!), but indulging in a few comfort foods: cinnamon-raisin bread, chocolate-covered raisins, black licorice, and potatoes. No, not all at once!

I’m doing art therapy at times, particularly with the water color paints that hospice hasn’t picked up yet! This photo is one that I did of my soul with Craig’s light surrounding me and God’s light surrounding us both. I’ve also bought a couple of my friend Raphaella’s posters (she’s an artist), one that says “Breathe” and one that says “All Is Well” and placed them where I can

see them regularly. I have books of positive sayings, grieving books, my prayer book, and a bunch of lightweight or uplifting novels, too. I have about 100 CD’s, so I play music off and on as well…often the silence is perfect. I’m still journaling too, even though doing the blog is substituting for part of it.

One piece of advice that I received this spring was to buy a couple of stuffed animals and have Craig hug them so I’d have them to hold at this stage. So, down here with me is Mrs. Empathy, Empy for short, a squeezable hippo. Craig’s jacket has displaced her in the bed, so she sits across from me in the family room and I pose her in whatever mood I’m in at the time. And hug her when the tears are falling. [Photos show calm/open, angry, and sad poses]

The abundant amount of nature experiences down here are comforting, too…whether the animals are symbolic of something or not! Yesterday a white heron visited me in the back yard. Today a sandhill crane walked across the road and then posed for me. I’ve noted how abundant the dragonflies are in the back yard, at the beach, and by the pool. Here’s a link with the symbolism for them! http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html Late afternoon today, Raphaella and I drove the 5 minutes to the beach and spent 90 minutes swimming and finding beautiful seashells. It’s good to be here.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a book project dedicated to Craig – it will help increase the amount of service people learn to do when they attend Bahá’í study circles. So, a good fit for him, and it feels good to be writing and feeling creative…slowly and gently. When I needed a break yesterday I hit a rack of balls on the billiard table at the clubhouse – got them all in the pockets without a single scratch this time!—and jumped in the pool for a few laps.

FYI, there is now an online obituary for Craig in the American Bahá’í magazine on the national Bahá’í website. The only way to see it I think is if you have a US Bahá’í ID card as a logon. Here’s the link. If you cannot get into it and want to see it, let me know, and I’ll try to email the article to you (susanne99@gmail.com). http://www.tab.usbnc.org/Obituaries.aspx

Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support.

Love,
Susanne