Energy and Grieving – August 16, 2009

A lot of the reason I’m here in Florida is to help me recover from being so exhausted. I notice that I feel as if I have ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder. I can stay focused for only brief periods on topics and activities and conversations and then I’m wandering or exhausted. I understand that this is a normal part of grieving, or I would worry about its permanence.

I have times of feeling very happy – swimming, visiting with friends, enjoying the sunshine. Shirley (Bascom – my hostess here) snapped a photo of me yesterday out on the jetty at Venice Beach, and I’m clearly happy. But if the film could re-wind, the night before I was watching an old video of Shadowlands, a movie about the late-in-life romance of C. S. Lewis, and sobbing when his bride dies of bone cancer. Or, fast forward the film to yesterday when I accidentally spilled water all over the bills and checks I’d just opened and sorted, and I ended up pounding the bed in anger. Of course it was really about Craig no longer being around to pay the bills! I’m allowing the range of emotions to flow, as I’m told it is part of the healing process (and trusting what I’m told and feeling!). But, sometimes I wonder whether the keel of my boat will ever even out again in calm waters. The movie included the theme that happiness and pain are always mixed, and it seems to be so.

Yesterday evening around 5:30 I ended up at the beach just as a rainstorm occurred. But, I waited a few minutes for it to pass and was able to swim. Many of us were in the 90-degree water, in spite of the threatening clouds. The danger flag was up, but there was no lightning, so the lifeguard let us be. I noticed that I had to call on Craig for courage to be able to enter and then relax in the water. He would love the drama of the sea and sky and not worry so much as I tend to!

This morning I awoke early around 5:45 a.m. and wandered outside in front of the house (it’s in the 70’s at night here). As I stepped out, I immediately said, “Oh, Craig!” He was always a stargazer and taught me to recognize Orion, which was brilliant next to a quarter moon. I got a chair and cup of black cherry herbal tea and sat until the sun came up to the rooftops around 7:15.

About 8:30 after breakfast, I went to the clubhouse here in the subdivision and challenged myself to a round of pool/billiards. I sank all balls (8-Ball last) in about 15 minutes with only 4 scratches, so not bad for not having played in a long, long time! I then jumped in the swimming pool next door and came home for a nap. It all sounds very vacation-like, and yet my body feels even after the nap as if I’ve worked hard all day. I’m wondering how long it’s going to take to feel rested up from the last two years?

Love,
Susanne